All the talks from all the walks

Turning Japanese

2012-02-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

There's simply no words that I can use to describe what happened the last 48 hours. It has all been one big blur of perfection. I guess, I know how a perfect moment really is like right now after so many affirmations.

Turning 25 has truly been an awesome event in my life.

Thank you chubs. (:

"For you a thousand times over"

Five for fighting

2012-02-11T00:19:00.000+08:00

I'm fifteen for a moment
Caught in between ten and twenty
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm twenty two for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

Fifteen there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
Fifteen, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got hundred years to live

I'm thirty three for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm of age
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm forty five for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

Fifteen there's still time for you
Time to buy, time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

Fifteen I'm all right with you
Fifteen, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got hundred years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
Sixty seven is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on

I'm ninety nine for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

Fifteen there's still time for you
Twenty two I feel her too
Thirty three you're on your way
Every day's a new day

Fifteen there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey fifteen, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got hundred years to live

When you've only got a hundred years to live

2012-02-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

I still can't believe that in a couple of day's time, I'll be turning a quarter of a century. 25 years have passed by really fast for me. In 6 hours time, I'll be taking my last IPPT as a Category X candidate. That's for those who are under the age of 25. After that, I am Cat Y1 candidate. Holyfuckingshit time passes by really quickly. In another 25 years, I'll be 50. Another 25, I'm 75 although I highly doubt I'll be able to reach that age since my dad's side of the family has a history of dying young. As of now, I am thankful to God for he hasn't taken my dad away from me yet. Although I never say this out verbally before, I do need him as I do need my mom. I am so old yet I still need them, perhaps more than ever.

Maybe I am already reaching my mid-life crisis. In a couple of month's time, my best days in school will be over for me. There's no more looking forward to going to back to school as I once did during my NS stint as well as when I was doing my internship. How did I end up where I am right now? God knows. How did I become who I am now.

How did I become from this....

...to this??

Well, if you must know, that was me at 3?4? And then me again about 20 years later. 20 years is enough to change me into a form that the young me wouldn't be able to recognize. Physically, everything is different. HOW THE HELL DID I BECOME SO DARK AND HAIRY?! Guess my grandma's North Indian fairness didn't get passed on to me. But the hairy part sure did follow me.

Character wise, I think several factors have shaped it into how it is now. I can still remember that I actually had the fear of talking to girls when I was 13. It carried on all the way throughout secondary school. This is was especially so with the Malay girls. I guess right now, I am playing catch-up. In fact, I have been playing catch-up ever since JC. I don't really know what caused the change. But if you were to ask me to talk to a girl back when I was 13, the amount of sweat that I would have built up would be enough to fill up an olympic -sized swimming pool. But right now, it is as though I've never had that fear before. Well, that's how it seems anyway. Guess I am, as of now, a closet introvert.

I suppose the biggest influences on me would have to be music and movies. Though I really do think that I have an eclectic taste, I still think that punk rock would be the genre that I like the most. I remember saying to myself once, when I was in JC, when I was caught in the rain, "Punk rock music will keep me warm and dry". Well, it kind of did as I was transported into a whole different place even though I was soaking wet when I reached school. But I did learn a lot from Punk Rock. And honestly, that is sometimes how I live my life. I would really love to live my life like that- without cares or worries, hakuna matata style. But age catches on and you somehow wound up with a ton of responsibility on your hand. In another 25 year's time, I'd prolly be watching my kid going through the same thing as I did. The only difference from me that that kid is going to get is that he has my full support in whatever (productive) that he or she chooses to do. I am not saying that I am going to spoil the kid. Hell, I am going to whoop that kid's ass just like how my mom whooped mine. I turned out to be perfectly awesome.

If I was to pick my all time favorite movie, it's definitely Bigfish. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it! What are you waiting for?! Don't even read the next sentence until you've finished watching it. By then, the screen would probably be blurry from the tears. For those who already have, congratulations, you're going to be awesome.

I guess that show gets me. Or rather, I get it. I remember "escaping" remedial just to watch that movie at GV Yishun. Love that place. Still do. For all the trouble I got myself into for escaping, I'd say that it was definitely worth it! As a secondary school kid, I never expected myself to understand such a film but I did. That was when I realized that I was only going to be a secondary school kid once in my life and if I did not make it worthwhile, I could only look back in regret.

So, I played throughout the final year of my secondary school life. Almost asked a girl to be my girlfriend too! Guess that was a bit overwhelming for her as it was for me. I honestly wonder how things would actually be like if she had said yes instead. But yes, I enjoyed my sec 4 and my JC years immensely! It came to the point that everyone thought I was going to flunk my O and A levels. They even gave me the "looks". The kind where they are judging me and saying "He is probably going to fail the O/A levels very very badly!" Well, guess who's laughing now! Half of them ended up taking private degrees with the other half, having no other choice, pursuing a degree in NIE. Those who did not judge have done pretty well for themselves. But for those who didn't, well, I am truly sorry that things didn't quite work out for you...yet! I always believe that if things are not great for you yet, they will soon! Everyone will reach their peak sometime in life! I just know it. Have faith my friends!

In 25years time, the 50 year old me would probably read this and think about how much he wants to bitchslap the 25 year old me for the incoherence and grammatical errors. I do not know what the future holds for me. But based on how the past 25 years have been for me, I know great things await! I am not sad that I am getting older, I am just sad that I have to get older so soon. I still remember how young my parents used to look. Well, if there was anything I could give for time to be reversed, I really would. But it's not for the reason so that I can do things differently. I mean, there are things that I wished I would have done differently. But no, if i could be reversed and I get to live my past 25 years of live again, I would gladly go through it all over again. Including the bad parts...like going to DB. I mean how many of us, in uni, have ever sat inside a jail cell before? Honestly...I think I am pretty badass!

Your hand in mine

I'm looking to the sky to save me

2012-01-31T02:56:00.000+08:00

I once got into somebody's bad books for trying to spell out a logic which can only be deemed as warped to many. In short, I was misunderstood. We have all been there and the guilt never quite wears off- this is despite the fact that we meant well. Kinda feels like Hancock sometimes- the (possibly) greatest anti-hero of all time.

Most of the time, without stopping to explore further of what I am trying to say, people would stop short and label me as mean. To a great extent, I never mince my words for niceties or even political correctness. There's a Malay proverb which (when roughly translated according to my horrible Malay) goes, "Because of mouth, the body suffers". Ever since picking up a variety of martial arts, the only way this body has ever suffered is because I made it so- with the exception of the ACL tear. Lifting weights has only doubled the chances of anyone ever thinking of beating me up for what I say.

But I guess being human also means that I can be quick to judge as well. For instance- I have always stereotyped being fat as a result of being lazy. That is true because I am suffering from that too. I do make an effort though- it won't be long till I lose this muffin top of mine and get back to how I previously was. But I guess there's way too many people who's out to prove that I am actually right because despite being fat, they don't really bother about it. Doing the bare minimum is never enough. That's one of the biggest takes that the army has ever taught me- I actually had people under my charge who would suffer if I just tried to skim through. Back from the deviation, I would always equate being fat to being lazy because it's simply too bullshity for people to say that they have big bones. I mean, dinosaurs have big bones. Heavy too! So unless you're calling yourself a dinosaur, you better do something about it lest you'd be extinct as well.

I have really deviated from what I really want to talk about. Then again, my mind is a flurry of thoughts. I think I have mentioned this before: whatever I write looks just like an episode of The Simpsons because the ending is totally unrelated to how I begun. My mind is the most active whenever I am on my bike. Somehow, I manage to switch to autopilot mode and just ride through traffic no matter how heavy it is. Somehow, I am at my calmest then. Sometimes, I'd even have to take a longer route just because I miss an exit or a turn. I should really mount a microphone and speak my mind. Who knows, I might actually not recognize that it was me saying that or to even think of saying something like that. But I guess it'd be better if somehow, there's a device that translates my thoughts into writing. At least I could edit that.

Ok! Back to what I was talking about. While what I say might sound mean, I really am not! I might just be speaking my mind- not the whole of it but enough to sputter something out which, to many, is actually mean. I guess that is courage. To say what you think and to do what you believe despite what others might think of you. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who's right because you can be the most morally righteous creature to ever walk this planet but if you don't act on it or even speak to anyone about it, then it doesn't exist. This is kind of like the saying which goes, "If a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it, did it really fall?"

I guess having enemies might be a sign that I am actually doing what I am supposed to do. Half my men hate me just because I was trying to do my job. I have been labelled "seow-on" or "on-the-ball" but at least I am on the right ball. Besides that, well, there are those who think that I can actually be mean. But then again, you never really make fun of a fat person do you. I mean, if he is fat, then you wouldn't make fun of him being fat. You actually encourage him to lose all that fats. Well, for me, encouragement comes in the form of ridicule because igniting that inner monster in you to lose your fats is what I want to do. I don't want to become your nanny or babysitter or even your trainer and nag and pester you to lose that fats. The inertia is way to great and it'll just end up consuming me. I'd rather cause an explosion from within because that creates are far more greater driving force.

Then again, how did this end up becoming a topic about me talking about losing fats??

"You have enemies? Good! That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life"- Winston Churchill

You've got this look that's that of an angel, it's such a bad disguise...

2012-01-26T08:52:00.000+08:00

When does something ever get tiring for anyone? I suppose it differs from person to person and how much something means to someone. It is true that the thing maybe the greatest love for you but that does not mean that it never gets tiring. Afterall, there is time and effor that is being put into building it, shaping it and eventually treasuring it.

But sometimes, things just overwhelm us. We all get overwhelmed somewhere, somehow, sometime in life. That's the moment when you realize that shit just got serious. At that moment, we all need to go somewhere quiet to recuperate and more importantly to reorganize and sort shit out. That's the moment that we weigh whether that something is worth it all. We do value the worth of something differently. Somehow, we have to meet in the middle and see things through because at the end of the day, we never really quite know whether the regret will come from doing it or not to have done it at all.

That was how I have felt over the last couple of moments. But the realization came about when I thought that this is going to be my final semester and no matter how things turn out, I am going to make it worth all. The sweat, the tears, the pain- it willl all be worth all when I look back because having been out for an entire season made me realize that the regret will only be the result of not doing it. That regret is the greatest of them all since the though of "could have, should have, would have" will haunt us for an enternity.

But that will come at a sacrifice for now. In fact, that sacrifice has already been experienced seeing how my GPA has been steadily declined ever since I took over the team. Maybe that was due to a variety of factors but I am sure that my commitment has dealt the biggest blow to it. So I have a little bit more trouble getting a job. Well, I hope that somehow, someone would see my true value and give me an opportunity to exercise my capabilities. It's not to say that I am incompetent but I just do not really have a liking to what I am studying. I don't even know why I took up this degree. Some of my hallmates have commented how I sounded like I was approaching a mid-life crisis. Being the-guy-who-pretty-much-grows-up-quickly, I guess everything has been accelerated for me. So this comes to me as no surprise that I am actually already facing it.

It has long reached a point that I am actually supporting myself throughout my student years. Well, my parents do provide a life-line for me when it becomes really unbearable. But I suppose that it is fair to say that I haven't been able to enjoy my student life fully due to all the things that I have to do just to get by. Many possibly share this sentiment but when I look at all my uni friends and how blissful their life is with all the traveling and exposure to places far and foreign, I look at the walls of my well and think about how envious I am of all that. But I am contented. I am like that frog, only looking at the sky wondering how it is really like out there. At the same time though, I am not just sitting around and wonder. I am actually building up the strength and courage to eventually leap out of that well to see the world. Faith that I will eventually achieve that keeps me going strong. All that strength, courage as well as faith has to be mulitiplied many times over as I am in a really deep well. But I'll get out, somehow, someday.

I've got my finger on the trigger and you're in my way

2012-01-24T21:26:00.000+08:00

Watching the first 2 episodes of Friends certainly brings me back to much simpler times. The series ran from 1994-2003. That's 10 years of my life which I spent growing up watching the show almost in a religious manner. Sure before I was 13 all I could was trying to understand what was actually being said but after that, I couldn't help but to be amused at all their antics.

It's strange though how quickly time has actually flew by. I still remember how it is when I was 7 and even though I am nearing a quarter of a century, I still remember being 7 rather vividly. Well, time has passed by too quickly. Yet, as we get older, all we ever do is to rush from place to place, hope that class will end sooner and whatnot. Wonder why people never got down to grasp the concept of just being in the moment really. It is at that moment where neither the past nor the future really matters. Money wise, that's the quickest way to go broke. But nevertheless, it's worth it all!

I wish that Pandora box never gets opened too much. Things right now are simply to delicate to just be discussed casually. I guess I am at a stage that every manner, every motion, every thought, ever word matters! I am being scrutinized! It comes to a stage that well, under a lot of pressure, I might just break. But I guess that doesn't really matter to many since everyone believes that I am unbreakable. Perhaps it's the way I portray myself. Then again, once you manage to access the inner child, all you end up seeing is someone who is pretty much very messed up. This is the kid whose parents never showed up for any of his matches or has shown an sign of support for his interests. Yeah, well, so I didn't join the NCC. Guess that must have been a very great disappointment to my dad. But then again, I found something which I truly love and have stuck with it ever since. I suppose, rugby has been the main constant in my life.

I can't help but to look out for any familiar face standing in the crowd whenever I play. I suppose this has been a learnt habit which I picked up ever since I played my first finals which my parents dismissed as something which was not important at all. So ever since then, I am always on the look out for any familiar face or faces because i'd only tell someone about a match if I care enough for their presence. But I am learning that my team on the field needs me more even if its for that short period of time because everyone simply goes their own separate ways afterwards. To me, if you don't show up, you don't care enough about what I care about.

Well, I guess that's enough self-pity for now. I really don't know what's going on with me. This sure sounds like a suicide note written by some 12 year old but oh wells, sometimes being incoherent can be rather therapeutic.

Hot Damn! Dingity Dang!

2012-01-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

Many people have asked me as to why I smoke or why did I ever picked up smoking in the first place. For the longest time, i haven't been able to answer that question unless you consider the should shrugging as a sort of answer.

I still remember the first time I ever attempted smoking. It was still in army and well, few of the guys decided to hang out at Arab Street for some Shisha of which they wanted to bring me clubbing afterwards. Funny thing was, I was hanging out with army regulars. I guess I really caught their attention with the whole "interests" thing. Well long story short, that I was the first time I had a puff of anything smokey! It wasn't until a couple of months later that I tried smoking when I was in Taiwan. The first day I smoked, I finished an entire pack of Marlboro Reds. It's really a WTF moment for many as I had to resort to buying from ninja vans afterwards.

Fast forward to today, it was only in the recent months that I realize why I smoke. This realization only came about after the months that I did not smoke but only to go back to it for one reason. Because I was not happy. In fact, when I am feeling every other way except for happy, I smoke.

To be honest, I am very well aware of the dangers of smoking. It hurts, it kills- over a very long period of time. During a stint at a hospital during one of the vacations, I saw many of the devastating effects smoking can do to a person. Having a conversation for a patient can make him really tired as, well, his lungs basically were not functioning anymore. Seeing people die as a result of it is just as unnerving.

Smoking to me is because of something that happened. It calms my nerves down and whenever shitty times roll by, it just takes the edge off of things. Hence, after many months of not smoking, I picked it up again on my 22nd birthday since, well, things were rather shitty for me. It's for the very reason why smoking harms that I turned to a cigarette when, well, I am not happy. And yes, that's a lot of times that I have a reason to not not smoke.

I guess over time, some people, events, incidences have become a reason to smoke. It got to the point that I was hacking down a pack a day. Even getting shot in the knee wouldn't be as painful as that. But yes, for now, it does get me by. All there is for me not to smoke is one reason and one reason only- happiness.

We've got the beat, the bass, the melody...

2012-01-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

It's almost 2 weeks into 2012 and only have I slowly begun to recover from the ordeal that I went through. Sure it might seem mild to many and nonsensical even! All that is slowly fading to black and I am right back on track.

Graduation is only 3-4 months away and my grades are nowhere near decent. In fact, many might find it horrendous and wonder what I have been doing for the past 7 semesters. Well, to list a few, it's been a struggle to juggle school, work(s), rugby and also relationships. While I might have failed in some department, I am certainly prevailing in others. In fact, I have even come back stronger in areas where I have failed.

I have never regretted any of the events that has happened in the past 7 semesters. In fact, I would gladly go through all of it again if given the chance. I do not understand why many of my peers are really looking forward to starting their careers. Don't any of them realize that this is the best part of life? Uni is the only time where you actually understand what is being taught because it is the only time where everyone is able to challenge the teacher. It is also the point in time where we are actually old enough to go wherever we want to with money and time constrains being the only obstacles. We can do whatever we want whenever we want. No adults are going to tell us that we can't do it.

I guess this is yet another stepping stone to the rest of our lives. I wonder what life would be like for me next year. Perhaps I would have gone on to do that Masters program. Perhaps I might be working. Who knows..time passes way to fast for us to be looking forward to the future so much to the point that we neglect the present.

Yesterday, I saw something on Tumblr ( I can't find it at this present time. Maybe if I can find it, I'll post it up) which goes something like,

"Do not forget that while we are growing up, our parents are growing old too.."

That has always struck a chord in me. I have always wondered how life would be like without them. However I try to imagine, I simply cannot comprehend a life without them. They have been there for me all my life- no matter how I have treated them. I admit that I am not perfect but I do the best that I can. In fact, I can stress this enough especially to myself that once I have enough money, the first thing I want to do is to send them on the Hajj. That is the very least that I can do for them after all these while. Their love for me has been rather unconditional. If it wasn't for the 2 years that I spent in green, I wouldn't have realized it. Even if I had without the help of those two years, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate them as much as I do after that life changing experience.

Life isn't easy. Then again, compared to what? I have always likened myself to the SEAL's training maxim- The only easy day was yesterday. I don't know why I was such in a hurry to grow up. Now that I am sort of all grown up, I am trying to slow time as much as I can however I can. One of the things which I would like to make a tradition is Ubin. Those 6 days spent with friends just after our O levels was simply enjoyable. Then, time did not mean anything to us as we did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted with the exception of meals.

About a couple of Wednesdays ago, going back to that place simply brings back memories. Besides being able to pride in the fact that I know my way around the place extremely well, it is something of a ritual which I could use to find myself again. The almost non-existent presence of time is something of a tragedy elsewhere in Singapore as we move faster and faster as a society. This rat race that we have set on the moment we emerged from out mothers is somewhat an abomination of what we were meant to be. It is sad that we could now choose to forsake everything else for personal glory. It is just to bad that we can only realize what we have done only after we have done. Perhaps, just perhaps, people could use a little deductive reasoning before they step forth and embark on something.

Oh my starry eyed surprise..

2012-01-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

Watching Restrepo has given me a new perspective about the conflict that is middle east as well as what chaos is all about. It's like finding your way around in your room at night when the lights are off and you just don't know what you're looking for but you're there and there's nothing you can do about it because you don't know where is out or even where the light switch is. I guess that's how I have lived my whole life- minus being shot at (literally at least). That was also how I felt during the 3 weeks of being in green. I was just finding my way around; not knowing if I was doing the right thing or not (or even if I was doing enough). I guess that itself has left me scarred.

It seems like in a weekend's time, I'll be starting my final semester of school. Unless I decide to pursue the masters program, this is going to be the final semester of my life as a student. I guess after more than 16 years in school is starting to wear me out. But nobody can deny that these are the best years of anybody's life. I guess it's a common thing that everyone feels- they can't wait to grow up, to get out of school and start working. But when that happens, they actually do regret it and wished that they had the chance to get back to school. I guess I was really lucky to be able to experience this and yet still get back to school as I was able to work while waiting for my O/A level results as well as while waiting for Uni to start. Not to mention the slew of part-time jobs I have undertaken over the past few years that I was in uni.

This might also mean my last chance at rugby. I guess while this might not matter much to many, it matters a lot to me. Rugby has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was 13. That's more than 10 years ago ever since I picked it up. All of my friends have since moved on to other things. The only person who's still playing from the original team is me. I guess this is one of the best things in life despite the countless times that I have failed trials for the national team.

Well, tomorrow is sort of a big game for me. It's about the same time that I got injured last year and at the same venue as well. Not to mention the kick-off timing is going to be the same. I hope that after the final whistle, I'll still be able to walk back to my bike and ride back home instead of limping all the way to the taxi stand only to have to go through nine months of painful therapy as well as an operation which I woke up with the insatiable feeling of wanting to throw up.

Well, this is it. It matters more to me because this is a game which I am going to start. The last time such a thing happened was last year. The scars are still there- physical ones as well as mental ones. To be honest, I do dream about it from time to time- it being the whole incident which led to my right knee being in such a condition. This shit is permanent! Well, I guess I'll have to make do. Let's hope I make it through tomorrow.

My sacrifice..

2011-12-26T09:09:00.003+08:00

You haven't really served your national service if you do not know what charlie mike means.

But none of them will ever love you the way I do It's me and you

2011-12-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

Watching the Toy Story trilogy once over again reminds me of the time that has passed and how fast it has passed. I remember first watching it at the movies in 1995. I was only 8 then. It was one of those rare moments when my dad finally relented to the pestering of his three sons to bring them to the movies. Indeed, this is something I grew up to. The familiarity of Randy Newman's "You've got a friend in me" will stick with me through the years that is going to come; that along with Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Rex and the others.

I guess it's familiarity that brings us through our lives. It is the unknown that scares us the most even though we have no clue what it might do to us. Who knows, it might actually benefit us a whole lot more than the familiar. Which kind of showed throughout the trilogy- changes are constantly happening. It is only with change that we can grow. Sometimes we reminisce about the familiar. Memories of that will forever be by us. Changes will come by hard and fast. That's why I never really do care about the future. I mean I do plan, but not in the sense that I'd forsake what my present presents me.

Bask in the moments that you are in- be it in joy or in hardships. Life is meant to be lived once so be prudent about life's choices. That's what I've learnt from a cartoon. I guess, my mom's wrong about cartoon then- I do learn things.

I miss being a kid.

So fucking blow those words out the back of your head

2011-12-11T15:39:00.000+08:00

It has been quite awhile since I am back in green. Long story short, it's taking quite a bit of effort to get used to it. The transition has only been made easy in the company of heroes. Even though it sounds as if I am exaggerating, each and every one of the sergeants in my company are indeed heroes. Even though our actions never get published, never get any attention or any recognition for that matter, it is through all those acts do everyone we care about sleep peaceably.

With me as an exception, nobody ever thought that being a soldier could possibly be a highlight of their lives. But we do pay the price. Injuries and illnesses are evidence of what we have sacrificed not for this country but for our love ones. They say that every military man who contribute will receive some sort of a burden after the leave the military. The greater the contribution, the greater the burden. Sadly, my company contributed the most and hence the price to pay has been great. So far, 2 of my men has already passed away ever since 2008. One was very hardworking, the other...well, he was hardworking in his own way.

I guess what makes the unit, or rather the company, are none other than the ones that have chevrons sewn on their sleeves. Till this day, what they have did over the period of 2 years still amazes me. What I did in those two years would put my current self to shame. Unfortunately, the uniform that I was issued in 2006 can barely fit. Thankfully, we are getting new ones soon. Hopefully, I'd get back to the shape I was in 5 years ago. Regrettably, I can only do so much with this knee. But we can only strive.

The past 2 days have proven to be something that each of us cherished- camaraderie. We have always had this bond since back in those days as our we all shared a common hatred- our superiors. Thankfully, that has carried us on smoothly into the current phase- it was as if we had never parted. I guess this is one of the reasons why I choose to stay in hall despite the fact that I stay only 10 minutes away from campus. Truth be told, I did have trouble sleeping on the night I ORD as for the first time in 2 years, I was sleeping all alone in my room. Well, one can never find the bond anywhere else in life other than the ones that you've build in those 2 years. Come tomorrow, all the time to catch up will be replaced by the millions of activities that we have to carry out. For me, the next two weeks will only mean 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.

Well, here goes nothing...

and when I day dream, we're eating ice-cream

2011-11-28T09:36:00.001+08:00

...Just smile and waves boys, just smile and wave...

Guess we made this far guess we're doing alright

2011-11-08T08:28:00.000+08:00

The long weekend proved to be sort of refreshing for me. The 1 Star Kayaking course proved to be a change of pace for me. Well, it was something that I have wanted to do for quite sometime anyway. But as usual, there's always things that prevented me from doing so; nonetheless, coming up with excuses is rather tiring so after searching high and low for such a course, I found it, got some friends(who incidentally were also planning to do such a thing) to go with me. A darker shade later, I am now looking to do something else. Perhaps, with all that I learn, I will be Captain Awesome to my kids in the future.

But after Saturday's session, I really had to push myself to go for a game. The fact that we were playing the old birds from ASCi did not help at all. But what I saw upon arrival was really disappointing- incompetence in most of the players. But that is only unavoidable since most of them are new and they really look like they did not know how to play at all. Despite my constant screaming at them, they seem to be playing their own game- even screaming to a wall would yield better results than them because at least walls have echoes. That said, I managed to convey the message to the convener about me wanting to try out my luck at another club. I guess it is time for me to move. I have been with them since 2008. That's about 3 seasons with them.

It started out with bumping into an old coach at the gym who asked me to go along. I had only recently ORD-ed and my juniors have been egging me to go. So despite not having played any rugby for my 2 years in the army, I soon found myself travelling towards city hall to what I will still know as the greatest training ground ever- The Padang. Whats there not to like? The constant flow of curious onlookers proved to be some sort of a motivation for attention loving people like me. The night sky was brightly lit with neon lights from the CBD. The facilities were simply fantastic! But the best part of it all was the team- old coaches, old teammates (from school all the way to the national team) and of course future schoolmates and team mates (then in 2008).

Moving to another club does make me feel like I am betraying them. But I am getting old and I still need to feel like I am actually doing something there. One of the things that's on my bucket list is to actually play a televised rugby match. I will definitely retire after that with no regrets. Besides, there are simply too many memories with that club- some of which can make me feel rather melancholic. While all this might seem trivial to many, it is quite a big deal for me. Just like your trivial fascination with, I don't know, computer games? So yes, I do not know what the future holds for me but I am going into this with an open mind and an open heart. After all, that is the best way to survive anything and everything.

That said, guess life is really taking a different shape from what it was when I started university. It's about 6 more months till I actually graduate. I still dare to say that I am actually the first in the entire extended family to graduate (not counting the in-laws of course. But even so, the count remains at 1). But I am not to sure about what I want to be doing after I graduate. I do however know what I do not want to do so I guess that I have actually taken the first step. Now I have to translate that into a plan that might actually work! We will see how that works. Who knows, I might actually take up a masters instead. I'll be at the same school anyway except that this time around, it will be something that I actually wanted to study. Well, life beholds all things that even I cannot imagine at times. Open hearts and open minds it is then!

~~(insert samurai maxim here)~~

Take me by the tongue and I'll know you

2011-10-30T14:18:00.000+08:00

It's almost the end of the semester and I am still not worried about the exams. It is my final year and as much as I hate for it all to end, I can't wait either. I guess it's a mixed feeling kind of thing. There has never been an instance where I had taken a break from everything and do whatever I want without having to worry about absolutely anything at all. By never, I really, literally not figuratively, mean never. Well, maybe almost never since I didn't have to worry about anything after my PSLE. Not even screwed up aggregates but who cares? I am where I am now no?

Well, with that exception, the only other time that I went on a holiday with my family was in 2010. Suffice to say, it was the wrong place to be with them as all my parents wanted to do was to nuah in the hotel room. Well, I could probably list out a whole lot of places that I have never been to but to list the place that I have actually been to would be so much easier since that list is ridiculously short.

Vacations aside, not a day goes by without me not having to worry about anything. Sometimes, I just feel like I am actually in over my head in all things- or drowning if you like. To make matters worse, it's not exactly drowning in water but in quicksand- the more I struggle, the more I sink. I was actually toying with the idea of taking a year off of school. But then, I was worried about getting a job and all that nonsense that I simply put it off. Nobody has a clue as to how tired I really am. But to just swing my arms in exasperation in "fuck this shit" style is simply not doing justice to myself. When forced to choose between fight or flight, 11 out of 10 times I would choose the former. And no, there is nothing wrong with the previous statement.

What I really crave for is a simply life out in the wilderness. On my many rides, I was actually thinking of actually staying with a nomadic tribe somewhere in some desert where my only concern is my own survival. It seems to me right now that I'd be better off in the Sahara than any other desert or perhaps just somewhere in the middle east because those people seems to have gotten their shit together. Language wise would be tough. Arabic is kind of hard for me. Trying to speak that language would really make me look like I've just escaped from some institution for the mentally retarded. As for French, which is commonly used in North Africa, well it's not any better; or worse for that matter. The only French I know is "salut" for hello, "au revoir" for goodbye, "poulet" for chicken and well...I know the French for "fucking shit".

Well, whatever the case, I seriously need a break. It's just been one thing after another. I haven't actually have the time to enjoy whatever I want to for various reasons. Well, having tons of money right now would really be great. I mean whoever said that money can't buy you happiness is probably some lonely rich old fag who doesn't know how to share.

Is that prove that love's not only blind but deaf

2011-10-30T13:59:00.000+08:00

Last night got me reminded of this phrase that got conjured up in my sleep. It got to me enough for me to wake up immediately and recorded it down in my phone. Although my phone has been restored since (hence resulting me in losing all important information), I was lucky enough to have recorded it elsewhere.

We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.

The truth is, bridges will always be burnt. What matters is how it burnt; there are many variations to what caused it or what didn't. In fact, it also quite matter if we did anything about it- or the lack of it for that matter. So I have concluded that there are 3 things that will cause the burning of bridges: Time, Space and Effort. Out of the 3, time and space are the most objective value that we can actually control while effort is very subjective. Like houses, we tend to sell ourselves more than how others value us. Them manically depressed usually choose to go for the reverse but most of us are usually on the positive side of things.

We will always disappoint people in whatever we do. The only thing that we can do is not to keep disappoint the wrong ones.

Your Ego's writing checks your Body can't cash

2011-10-26T15:40:00.001+08:00

I got up and made my way to the door
and I dropped my conscience on the way out
I turned and I looked back down on the floor
But my conscience wasn't there anymore

So then I got to thinking...
Was it there in the first place?
Can you read it on my face?
Cause I just don't care anymore
And I just don't give a damn anymore

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

Told everyone I would try to get by
but I felt like I was wasting my time
I found my way this time.
So why should I try
To stay grounded when my head's in the sky

Then I got to thinking...
Will they miss me when i'm gone?
Will they leave the porch light on?
If I can't find home anymore
Or will I not have a home anymore?

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

When we go,
We'll just live our lives by rocky roads
And our eyes got to second place brides?
Cause I'm feeling lucky tonight?

And I'll just stick stick stick to the things I know
If you'll just quit quit quit quit buggin' me about it baby

And you'll tell me that i'm missing out
Cause I don't give a damn anymore

Its the last night in my body..

2011-10-15T22:04:00.000+08:00

After going through lectures in crisis stress management I am pretty much convinced that I am pretty much fucked up inside-out. Though it might not seem much to others, trivial even, I haven't been given the opportunity to "recover" from any of my "crisis". All I get when I try to open up is rejection. Case in point- 2 break ups in the span of 2 years. One is already a mother to be while the other...well...I have no idea about the other. I guess things a better for them this way.

Having parents which are virtually unsupportive of the things that I do doesn't help. Not that I am being petty but I suppose it is pretty much justifiable to say that I am truly disappointed that they have never attended a single match in my life before, especially when I am playing in the finals. It might not seem much to many but having your folks, the people you really want to impress, being there to support their child in what seems like the scariest moment of his life does provide a dynamic range of comfort to him. So far, I have only won 1 out of 3 finals. In 2001, they were too busy to be there. This was an exception to my brothers whom have so far quit on what they (being my parents) thought they were good at. Sure the now-fatass brother was a good runner. But it doesn't seem ridiculous that they actually attended him running a cross country race at McRitchie- intra-school style. As for the young brat who gets everything that he wants, they were simply there even for his training sessions for silat. For me, I have met stiff resistance in rugby. They even refused to buy me boots. After much pestering, I paid half the price for the pair of boots which lasted me for 3 good years. For someone who receives very little allowance as a teenager, that is in fact a feat. After that, it was just me getting what I need to service my passion.

Losing a match is a big deal- because it was the fucking finals! Yet, they never seem to care much even if I won. Being 14 and winning a medal means a lot to any kid. But to come home all smiles and receive just an "ok" after showing it off is devastating for any kid. At 18, i couldnt give a fuck about how they were to respond to my lost because they never did know that I lost the finals- they never even knew I was at a match. I had given up all hopes of them ever supporting me there. Even trials for the national team were met with stiff resistance. It got even stiffer when I chose national rugby over national silat because it was a "disappointing" decision that I have made.

So...long story short, basically everything is kept inside. But one fine day, all this steam is just going to burst and shoot through the heavens even stronger than when the people of pompeii suffered what is now know in history as the biggest fuck ups that any civilization has ever faced. Life after that is simply a series of rolling punches. 2 break ups because I was simply not supposed to show my resentment to anything is enough of an evidence.

because if you care enough about someone, you'd drop everything at the moment when they need someone the most

On with the show..

2011-10-10T01:22:00.000+08:00

Being awake at 1am doing school work when I have to be at the office before 8 in the morning kinda pushes things. But it'll have to do right now. Balancing things out is kind of hard especially when you're in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, I enjoy what I am doing now. Not sure if my body agrees with me.

So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.

That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.

Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.

It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.

But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.

It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.

you stole my heart but I had it first

2011-09-27T00:10:00.001+08:00

Today's opportunity was definitely mine to lose. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would do it very differently. I guess this happens when I over-think things. Then again, I really do not mind the opportunity to serve in the Special Forces community as a sergeant. Given that I would now be a Staff Sergeant by now if I had signed that paper 5 years ago (and a Warrant Officer before I am 28), I guess if I do take up that scheme, would give me a comfortable life. But on top of that, there is much pride in being among the elites. But given the choice, I would definitely strive to being an officer because I strongly believe that I would be able to contribute more effectively as one.

If given the chance again, this is how I would have done the interview...

So tell me something about yourself.
.....................................................................

Tell me something about your army life...your time as an NSF..
.......................................

Why do you want to join us?
Have you ever heard of this phrase, "Never dress up how you like to work but rather dress up to the work that you like?" Well, this is one of the biggest reason. Not a day goes by without me itching to put on the uniform again. Besides the fact that I look really good in green, I feel an immense side of pride whenever I don green. The organization has given me nothing but a sense of purpose and direction in my life.

On top of that, I would certainly have a say in Singapore's defence and deterrence policy. Many do not realize that it is because of a strong organization as this that Singapore is able to function the way it does. Many of those whom I know in the Police or the Civil defence claim that my time spent in this organization is a big waste because I am merely "running around in the jungle playing war" while they deal with real life. I do not blame them for such short sightedness as they have been living the life of comfort while we provide them with a strong sense of security by "running around in the jungle playing war". If it wasn't for us, the country would have long been overrun. Without us, there is not Home Affairs for them to deal with. It is sad for them to think in such a way and think that they actually play a big role in creating, maintaining and sustaining what is Singapore when they actually don't. But we do.

That said, one more reason for me to join is so that I have an actual say in the defences of Singapore. Knowing that what I do is what keeps my love ones safe, that is one of the biggest satisfaction that I can get from this job. I do this so that others don't. I do this so that people can sleep peaceably at night while rough men like me, stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

What did your family say to your decision of wanting to join us.
I say that they are happy for me and am actually proud that I want to do this. It has indeed been a life long dream for me. Something that I dreamt about doing ever since I was a child.

What if you don't get it. What would you do?
Granted that there are other jobs waiting for me out there but the satisfaction as well as the fulfillment that they would give me simply couldn't match up to the one that this job would give me. I have indeed asked myself this question many times over. Truthfully, I do not want to really think what I would do if I do not get this job. However, what I have done is to prepare a contingency plan. I am 100% committed into taking this job and all I ask for is for you to give me the opportunity for me to prove to you that I am all that that you will never regret on selecting. Ever.

From here on, he goes on to tell me about the things that I will have to do...

So there you go, if I could travel back in time, I would certainly prepare myself to answer these questions and impress him. Alas, the moment is gone...all I have to do now is to pray that I get to the next round.

*Don't want to get into trouble. So if you missed out the first 2 parts..it's just too bad*

Sometimes..

2011-09-21T11:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes...when you cry...no one sees your tears

Sometimes...when you are worried...no one sees your pain

Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile

But fart just one time.......

Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappoint

2011-09-21T00:29:00.000+08:00

How I am is akin to how a duck swims. Everything looks very calm on the surface...try looking under the water.

So I will run...until my feet don't touch the ground...

2011-09-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life. Officially, I am not longer a patient of NUH as my physiotherapist released me from further rehabilitation sessions. Finally! It's been 6 months since my knee was operated and for the last couple of months, being able to even walk again is indeed a blessing. 6 months ago, even being able to bend my knee was a challenge. Walking was an impossible feat which I achieved within 2 weeks of the operation. Being able to ride again took just as long. In fact, I was able to ride again while still wearing the leg brace! It's just like learning how to fly before you even know how to walk.

It's also been 9 months since I last played any rugby. 31st January 2011 was the last time I played the beautiful game (soccer is just a copy of it) and the urge to play again, to be fully part of a team again, is as strong as ever. In fact, it has never waned. On the day of the injury itself, the physio on site was bombarded with questions like "How long will I take to recover?" or "Will I be able to play as usual again?" and also "Is there a faster way to recover?". Each time I asked such a question, he will only tell me to take it easy. This sentiment was shared by many people. My imagination got the better of me as I actually googled for the possibility of a leg transplant (healthy ones of course) or even a bio-mechanical pair. Childish and nonsensical I know.

This probably explains why I am so pumped up about this Saturday. If I do actually play instead of just being at the sidelines, it will only mean that I have never missed a 7s competition in my life! The first time I played such a format was in secondary school. In JC, we got to play at the SCC side of the Padang. I nearly scored against RJC in that if not for my generous mood of wanting to let someone else score after I broke through their defenses through sheer individual footwork. I played 7s during the fasting month of 2008, reached the finals the year after and completely washed out last year. This year, shall be different. I am playing for the 2nd team now. But it's alright since I am just coming back from a career ending injury. Thankfully, with the marvels of modern healthcare, I am able to go back to playing.

I can't however say that I am back to full strength. Gone are the days where I can do a 200lb single leg press or 10 full single leg squats or kick someone across the match ring with any style of kick- be it a round horse kick, back kick, front kick or side kick. But I'll get there. I'll get back to the point that I can sidestep an entire team of ugly hungry-looking rugby players (I despise the term ruggers) or clock 23secs++ for my 200m sprint. Soon, i'll be able to clock a sub 8mins timing for my SOC again. Running fast has always been an integral part of me. I wasn't born fast, but for the past 15 years of my life, I've been training to being able to do so.

And so...I will run until my feet don't touch the ground.

2011-09-10T16:46:00.001+08:00

I am so fucking sick and tired of everything- including being fucking sick and tired.

another turning point a fork stuck in the road

2011-09-04T19:07:00.000+08:00

Once again, another chapter of my life closes. 2011, which I originally thought was going to be a good year is only proving itself it the form of tires. Other than that, things are what it is and what it is going to be.

Yesterday was the last time I saw my KR150. It's kinda sad knowing how this bike has served me well. Yet, all good things have to come to an end. It saw me through one relationship. Had my first pillion on the first day I got my bike- even had to ride through heavy traffic on that same day with a pillion. Proved to be a great companion for all those night rides when that relationship ended. Got my first accident on that bike which led to me spending the morning of National Day 2008 in the hospital. It basically gave me a pair of legs which are long enough for me to go anywhere at anytime.

Finally, FT8938R is off to it's final resting place. I guess, that event is the manifestation of things changing for me- of another chapter closing while another one begins. Things are never meant to last forever. Not even love. But if you can find someplace where love is eternal, then you are either dead or you are really lucky. But if you don't believe in luck, you could very well believe in death. If that sentence is confusing, all I am saying is that that love is going to last even through death.

Since I am not making any more sense right now, I shall end it off with my trademark quotes.

If you like someone, say it. Don't spend your time fantasizing about something that could be reality.

so tell me...how it ends...

2011-08-31T02:55:00.000+08:00

Time check: 0238hrs. I am supposed to be asleep right now but my brain decided that it needs to devour some sort of information before it can rest. So here I am writing and reading about public policy at the same time.

Hari Raya is one of the most awkward days for me. It's supposed to be a day of celebration (after a month of fasting) as well as forgiveness(or rather, the seeking of it). For me, the moment that I get to do whatever the hell I want when the sun is still up is enough of a celebration. For the forgiveness part, I still find it very awkward since I am asking for forgiveness from relatives of which I have never met before in my life(or I don't remember as claimed by my parents) or I have not done anything wrong to them. Some might take the latter wrongly because all to often, people think that I have always wronged them even though I feel I haven't. Maybe I have...well according to them anyway.

The only thing that I can bring with me with each year of celebrations is that how old everyone is getting. My parents as well as their siblings look really old. My parents look really tired lately. Dad looked especially tired today and even though he did just pull a night shift doesn't help to explain much. What I do take from their shagged faces is that they are getting tired taking care of me and my brothers. Trust me, nurturing three boys is such a handful especially when you have siblings like mine around. My elder brother is short of medical retardness while my younger brother is nothing short of pure demanding. Everything he wants he gets. As for me, I am nothing short of a magic act- always disappearing.In fact, that magic act took its height in 2006 as I was in Taiwan for Hari Raya that year. I can still remember how my mom made me cry over the phone as I wished her Selamat Hari Raya over the phone. It was her fault since she started crying first. I guess she really has a strong character in a sense that she tries to hide her emotions. The fact that she does it so well can only show how strong she is. So, that year, despite trying to hide from me the fact that she misses me really badly, she failed. Well, everyone has the right to fail sometimes. I guess, the I have inherited that from her- hiding of emotions. It does get me from point A to point B pretty efficiently sometimes.

I still cannot get over the fact how old everyone is getting. My parents are already past their 50s. I remember about 10 years ago, I never wanted that to happen. My dad's side has never really made it through to their 60s so naturally, I am worried too. Who wouldn't be right? I just pray to god that he doesn't take my parents away before I get the chance to take care of them. They have taken such good care of me that it has come to the point that I just want to tell them to stop doing it. But I guess it's all parental instincts- wanting to take care of their children- acting up.

What my mom said to me, and my brothers a couple of nights ago when we were breaking fast really struck a chord with me. It goes along the line of that it doesn't matter if either she, or dad, doesn't really get to eat much as long as her kids are fully satisfied with what they can provide. It really reaffirms my goal of wanting to take care of them to the grave. And so, I am re-stating this again: once I've saved enough, the first thing I want to do for them is to send them on the Hajj. Never mind if I have to compromise on somethings in order to accomplish that. It is the least I can do. I know my brothers will not be able to fulfill that seeing how my elder brother will probably never be able to earn enough for himself and how my baby brother will never figure out what to do with his life. That shall go into my bucket list. Wait! It already is...

Nobody is really afraid of dying. They are just afraid that they have not done enough before they die

Maybe I'm your Mr.Right...

2011-08-18T01:20:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be asleep right now thanks to work yet I am still up cramming something that is relatively new to well, NTU really. Plus, I am not as tired as I should be right now. Perhaps it is due to the lack of activity I've had today.

On the bright side, I have managed to narrow down to 2 topics for my Graduation Project. Suffice to say, I am rather psyched about it. Unfortunately, I have only a weekend to teach myself the Sociology of Work. I wonder why the school never saw it as an important topic seeing that majority of us might end up in the private sector presumably in HR or PR.

I guess it pretty much of me wanting to do everything. That kinda landed me the nickname "King" from my team as I practically did everything once I took up captainship of the team. Luckily, things have been pretty good on that side of life because since I became captain we finally managed to win the championship last season. Besides that, this is the first time we actually have enough people to form at least 3 teams of 15s. Let's hope it won't be the typical pattern as the season goes along where numbers actually dwindle as the new boys see that it is actually very very hard to compete for a starting position. It doesn't help that I am now at the bottom rung. I guess it gives me all the more reason to train and leave the captainship nonsense to before and after training.

On the other side of things, while people keep stuff for nostalgia sake, I have my music. Music has also been a huge part of my life. Besides the fact that I can't play the guitar for nuts- save for a few songs- it really affects me in every way. Each song represents a different chapter of my life, each music can be used in different ways. Just before my goddamn injury, I actually used Muse as running music. I guess it's pretty easy as I simply sync my footsteps to the drumbeats. Maybe I should switch to trance/techno for that. That ought to get me really fit real quick.

I guess I really got lucky with the choices of modules I am taking this semester. Besides having a course that teaches me how to argue really well aka fake it till you make it, I am also learning the ropes of civil service as well as how to deal with a crisis. Things couldn't get much more interesting as that. Somehow, I feel that the modules that I have been taking are channeling me into a certain job or a certain role in some organization. It would really help if I was taking them with familiar faces. For the past couple of years, I have been practically drifting from one group of people to another. I guess that helps as I meet a wide range of people from all over the globe. Today, I had a chinaboy asking me if I was in VJC since he found me really familiar. On other instances, I have people coming up to me and ask me where I was. I am pretty much as surprised as they are when I told them that I am really a Singaporean. In fact, sometimes it takes a lot of convincing for them to believe me. Thankfully, they nobody has associated me to some third world country like Indonesia, Malaysia or maybe further up north like Indochina. I never really got a chance to ask them where they thought I was from. Maybe I should mess with people's mind in the future and see where they actually thought I was from. That ought to be fun.

will you still love me tomorrow...

We're going down down...

2011-08-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today only reaffirmed how shitty things are actually for me. 2011, an odd year, is supposed to be a good one for me. I know it all sounds nonsesical with all my warped up logic but it can be emprically proven.

In 2001, my school actually won the Novice championship. Ok...so it's just the novice championship but nevertheless, for a bunch of guys who have only picked up rugby only the year before and got our asses whooped into super smooth smoothies in 2000, I dare say that we did a pretty decent job. Besides being the ones to dish out the ass-whooping this time around, I was also the top scorer for the team...maybe even for the whole tournament. In the first game of the tournament alone, I scored a total of 32 points in a game where we trashed the opponent 99-0. They closed down the rugby team soon after the tournament ended. 32 points which included 5 tries and 3 conversions. Besides that, I was scoring an average of 2 tries for each game throughout that season. To add on to all that, I even passed all my subjects (the ones that I really care about anyway) without even studying for any of it.

2003 was another year where I managed to do my O levels without studying a single bit. Well, I tried to but till now, my revision for Biology has proved futile as I have managed to cover a grand total of 1 chapter before sitting for the paper itself. To top that, I even managed to complete a game throughout the entire examination period. 2005 was another instance where I managed to pull through without studying too much for it. I was still enjoying my rugby with my club all the way till the weekend just before my first A level paper. And the only reason I stopped was also because it was already the fasting month and I hate waiting for time to break fast after 2 full of hours of ass-whooping/ass-whooped.

Training just now reminded me how I have actually been relegated to nothingness. All those years of hard work gone down the drain in an instance. It literally did. The day before the injury, I was doing 120kg deadlifts as well as 40kg high-pulls. And I do not take the weight of the bar into consideration unlike most pansies who claimed that the weight of the bar matters.

As I was sidelined, I wondered about how different things might have been if it wasn't for the damn injury. This shit is permanent. I am not as fast as I used to be neither am I so quick and domineering on the field as I used to be. For those who might know me well enough, rugby is the thing that matters to me the most. It is the only love of my life that has not failed me...until now. Slowly I am working my way in. Sadly, I am once again the underdog. Then again, it is the underdogs that hungers the most for a fight. That's why going to the gym with the boys is really frustrating as they only know how to complain about how crazy I am with the exercises. I guess, nobody else wants it as much as I do.

Nobody can really understand why it is so hard for me to trust others. After all, to trust is to be vulnerable as well because in order for you to trust, you have to be open as well. But wouldn't it really suck for you to think that you are able to trust someone so much but then once you are all comfy and settled it, you get the rug pulled from underneath you. It is the instance that you are airborne from that sudden force that makes you think why should you really trust anyone anymore. Like the world's greatest band once said, "to trust you must confess". Sadly, it doesn't always work in your favor.

Fuck, nothing has ever worked in my favor before. NOTHING. As far as I am concerned, it has always been the case of ifyouwantitcomeandgetit. True that having enough drive to do something helps but we all do get tired of being the driver sometimes- that's why we take the cab, that's why sometimes, I'd rather become the passenger. But then, we can never truly relax as a passenger if there is no trust in the driver. And that trust goes both ways.

Lately, I can't help but to feel that whatever happened since 2009 is going to happen again. This fuckign sucks because it really took me a very long time to get over it all. True it might seem much to many others. Then again, many others probably do not really give a damn about it all since they have their own shit to settle. After all, whether your a student or a worker, you still have your own problems to worry about- just that shit comes in varying forms.

fuck this shit

When you tell me I'm a wreck

2011-08-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

It has come to the point that I feel that nobody really gives a damn about me. Even if they said they do or did, the fact remains that I still feel that they do not REALLY give a damn about me. It just feels that everyday, I am going around trying to make them happy even though more than not, sometimes it causes the opposite reaction when I never had it intended to begin with.

The word "understanding" or "patience" or basically anything along those lines really irks me out now. It feels like the more I adhere to those words the more I am getting trampled on. It really makes me feel like being kind really is a sign of weakness. After all, it's really all the stupid dicks in the world who have been getting things done their way. Life for me has always been one that is reactionary. Most of the time, I am just waiting for things to happen. Then there are other times that I don't even know what has happened.

It really seems like the nicer your try to be to someone the more they try to take advantage of the situation. I guess no one will ever understand that even though I do not show it sometimes or most of time, I do give a damn about you. Make it two, maybe three or more. Bottom line is, I do. Sadly, that sometimes isn't enough for some people especially for those in their selfish pursuits. Well, some might disagree that it is selfish because that can be very subjective as well. At the end of the day, only the highest order can judge us...he did create us all to begin with. Who am I to judge after all right?

Speaking of which, everyone has a past they would want to cover up. That everyone includes me. The reason why they feel that way is because they do not like to feel judge. Hell, who likes to feel that way even if they do that all the time because it might be part of their job or well, simply anything. Sometimes we do share it with those whom we think we can trust or those whom we think won't judge. But then, it's always a human tendency to judge. Always is. Then again, that itself is somewhat a paradox because for thinking that someone might judge us is to be judging them too. So to even bring that part up is really futile because no matter what we do or say, we will always be judge. The only difference is the intensity as well as the angle that we are being judge from.

So yup, that basically sums up what has been happening over the last few days. Even when it seems like I don't, I still give a damn. My actions might not necessarily reflect how I feel. Because for me, I don't practice what I preach because I do not preach what I practice. For me, it's never about show and tell except when it is really necessary. Sometimes, it is about the reaffirmation of somethings that requires you to do something in the full view of that someone you actually give a damn about. But that's not what I am about to do because that's just plain wayang. It is all about the conscience that you have- if you do something you must never expect anything in return. Then again, if something is wanted, not even the heavens or hell should prove to be enough of an obstacle to prevent you from going all out to get it. At the end of the day, what is wanted will be received as long as the heart is clear.

Throw down some smack downs

2011-08-06T18:06:00.001+08:00

I believe I have delivered the best analogy ever this morning during class. Analogies being analogies, they have to be anal to deliver the point. Well, I'm not really sure what made me say it but me saying "After you shit, do you use clean toilet paper or toilet paper that already has shit on it?" surely delivered the effect desired.

What a way to open up on things especially when I have been away for a month. I guess it has been sort of a drought for me as whatever comes to mind usually comes in the form of angst. So, in the spirit of "If-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-you-better-not-say-it", it all usually disappears through, well, abuse really. Hours of gym, a lot of running- physical pain really. After all that, nothing really matters. Aside from the immense satisfaction that I get after hours of "abuse" (mainly because of the shitloads of endorphins being produced by my body), being able to manifest pain in any form into a physical one actually helps because you know how to actually deal with it. This is actually why people slit their wrist. Those who jump down from tall buildings actually had skydiving in their bucket list but couldn't afford to do it properly so it's really a might-as-well kind of thing.

"I hope you understand" has become sort of overrated for me. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't that understanding really. But I guess this selflessness is innate. Well, not really innate but inculcated into me by years and years of training. Yup..training- not education, not socialization, not because of the way my parents brought me up. I am talking about being taught every single way to fight since I was young. While muscle memory has faded, my mind is still well attuned to perform those awesome moves that you can see in the movies. The only difference is because my body is not used to it, I tend to do it a lot slower...so slow that you would probably be done with lunch by the time I have executed a move. Any move.

Back from digressing, so yup. That's what I get from everyone day in day out. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. Being captain doesn't explain it because I have always been for the team. In fact, I need a lot of good reasons for me to skip training. It has always been team first. Well, it used to be mission first...god I miss "mission first". Perhaps it's due to my protective nature. I don't know if my team knows or even appreciates what I do for them. Well, that doesn't matter because at the end of the day, we did win the championship last year. Let's see if we are able to hoist the trophy up again under my leadership.

I miss it when times were much simpler

still breathing down your neck is my priority

2011-07-04T23:38:00.000+08:00

Everything feels so surreal since the events that have unfolded since Thursday night took place. Although it wasn't me who had to go through the entire ordeal, I still feel the pain for my friend or rather one of my brothers. Well, I am following Shakespears' rule that "for he who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother". So he qualifies as one.

It set me back thinking, "Am I ready for the death of my parents?" Obviously I am not. But then, being the sneaky one he is, God always has something up his sleeves. Tragedy will hit you when you least expect it. Since you never expect tragedy to happen, the probability for it to happen to you at this very moment is extremely high.

Losing one's parents is no easy thing. To say that I am unprepared to lose mine is simply an understatement. To say that I never want to lose mine is simply delusional. The debt that I owe to my parents is simply too much. I doubt I will be able to fully repay them once I am fully able to. But I will do my best to fulfill that not because I am a filial son, not because it is a requirement set by the government to do so but because I owe them so much. And I am one person who doesn't like to owe people anything.

Although this might seem like a drastic change of topic, on another hand (anyway...) the road to recovery seems pretty much straightforward and smooth sailing for me. Being able to run again, albeit getting hit from multiple stitches all at one go, is truly blissful. I remember that in the army I was able to clock at least 5 klicks a day of running. I said at least because on a normal basis, everyone would clock more than 10 klicks daily. And that is excluding the ones that we have to run with our men who needs an extra push(kena fuck and tekan by people like me) so that by some chance, they'd be able to pass their IPPT. Right now, being able to run a mere 2 klick without having to stop is already a blessing for me.I miss the days when I was able to complete a 5klick run in just under 15 minutes (upon which I blacked out at the end).

However, I have so far been quite successful in the battle of the bulge. At least I am not so fat now. The image of me having double chin (which I kind of already have) is simply disgusting. Plus, I was not able to fit into so many of my pants. Those that were tailored have already been given away. However, recently, the pants that I have been wearing since I had the stomach of a 3 month old pregnant woman has been feeling pretty lose. Well, that could only mean that I am finally losing it. Oh wells, I've been cycling a bit, swimming when I can and hitting the gym as often as 5 times a week. As for food, I've been cutting down here and there. The final obstacle, I guess, would be the ciggies. I guess every little bit helps. This all came from a picture of my JC rugby days. I was able to have a 6 pack then, I should be able to have them soon. It's all about how much I want it. Besides being able to look good once again, its actually about...hell, it mostly about being able to look good.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums up everything.

Somebody give me a sign

2011-06-23T16:01:00.000+08:00

In the midst of all the projects that I have on hand, I am deciding to take a break (one out of many) to keep this space recent. Not that I have something to really write about but I guess I could bitch and moan here without having anyone to tell me off since it is YOUR choice to read this space anyway.

The firm that I've been interning here has been pretty alright. Here, it is the intern (meaning me) who picks on the permenant staff. Well, its a fun environment really. And so far, I have been pulling of tricks just to avoid taking on any more projects. Suffice to say, I have learnt quite a bit to stay afloat in the work environment. In other words, I can't wait to get back to school.

The other thing that has been keeping me very occupied is the damn rugby team. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother so much. The fact that I had rushed my specialist for an early surgery date was so that I could don school colours once more for them. On top of that, I have been absorbing the shit that everyone has been giving me for the sake of the team. Note that I am ABSORBING and not DEFLECTING, so it is definitely wearing me down. Attendence has been super disappointing and the reasons (or rather excuses) that I have received are found to be rather perplexing.

Well, when the heart is willing, you'd do anything to make it happen but when it's not, you'll find a thousand ways to avoid it (at all cost!). I wonder why the attitude is so bad. Could it be me and my leadership? Well, no one has dared to voice out anything yet so I guess we will never know.

I remember constantly looking forward to rugby every single day when I had training. It even came up to the point that I was training 6 days a week (in addition to 3 nights a week of silat) back in secondary school. But when I was told to choose the manner I would like to represent the country, I did not regret choosing rugby. This is despite the fact that they dropped me out for the tour (which never happened thanks to SARS! HAHAHAHA!) for some brand name. Well, all I can say about that is that revenge has been sweetly meted out just a few months back despite me being on crutches.

Well, I have got to think of something soon before I call it quits on the team- both as captain and player. After all that I have done for them, I am being repaid in a manner that befits the description of most teachers- you teach me, I'll give you crap! I do realize that that last sentence might anger some of you out there but that's only because you do not understand what I just said. Well, if it did, than that only goes to show your level of intelligence or rather the lack of it. In addition, I am not going to explain that either. So it's a take it or leave it kind of thing.

I am craving for perfection

2011-06-03T10:55:00.000+08:00

How do you describe things when you're frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad and just plain sian? Oh wait, maybe I just did.

Guess, it's just one of those days, or week, or month, or year...maybe decade? Maybe one of those centuries? Fuck..its just one of those life.

Don't fix if it's not broken yet

2011-05-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

I AM DECLARING THE WEEK THAT HAS PASSED AS MURPHY'S WEEK!

Basically everything that could go wrong did go wrong! Well, Murphy, guess what? I have prevailed you bitch! It was rather a tiresome week which all started from day 1, or Monday rather. The day where I was supposed to end the misery that is Year 3, Semester 2. What was supposed to be a glorious day of relieve became that of dread. I now hold a grudge against my computer for corrupting my report that was supposed to be handed in on the last day of my exams. Because of that, I spent 2 more days doing from scratch (well not really) on my final report. God that was fucked up.

That was followed by several by other series of unfortunate events which culminated to my phone being screwed up thanks to the rain! The rain and my supposedly $80-Gore-Tex-Jacket. That plus I practically jet-skied across the expressway home in the super-duper (or as some mats/minahs preferred it to be spelled as "supa-dupa") heavy rain. Lucky for me, Murphy took a break today as I got my phone fixed at only $30 with a lot of fees "waived" since "mine is an iphone 3g". Wonder what that was supposed to mean. But hey! Less money spent equals to a heavier wallet and that equals to a more genuine smile to the power of 10.

I should be asleep now but thanks to Murphy and his almighty law, I am up setting up my phone to be the awesomemost iphone again. Honestly, I can't wait to start my internship tomorrow. The only thing I am dreading is the journey there. So far, I've counted at least 2 ERP gantries to the office and the thought of paying for parking everyday is so bleargh! All in all, I have calculated that i'll be spending $26 for parking for the next 8 weeks. I have no idea how much ERP is going to cost me. This is truly an ehpfftany. Well, whatever! At least I'll be compensated (not much) and I'll be getting some job experience(from doing saikang).

We will see how the next 8 weeks goes and see if I am truly suited for a desk-bound job. I highly suspect that I'll shrivel up and die behind my desk before the 8 weeks are up.

Is there something I can say to make you turn around

2011-05-05T02:33:00.000+08:00

On the way to school tonight, I decided to pop by Caltex which has the 2 for $2 deal drinks. It seems like the idea of having 2 bottles Peppermint Green Tea to down while getting some work done was ideal especially with the sore throat that I have. Damn, it is the wrong time to fall sick. Then again, when is it ever the right time to fall sick?

To my utter surprise, City Harvest just finished a service(on a Wednesday night???). So, traffic conditions there were, for lack of a better word, disappointing. I hate being stuck in traffic and as always, the thought of clear open road tempted me even if it means making one big round just to get to my destination. As long as I could keep cruising, nothing else matters. Inadvertently, it brought me towards Pasir Laba Camp. That place sure holds a lot of memory for me.

For about 26-28 weeks of the second half of 2006, I spent my days there as a trainee. Every other night was nights-off. It got to the point that nobody could be bothered going out. We basically pissed everybody else off because our company was, seemingly, the only company that constantly got to go out on a weeknight. Golf Company, 40th BSLC- we got a total of 8 nights-off. Echo Company, 40th ASLC- I actually lost count of the number of times we got to go out because after awhile, the novelty was thoroughly worn out. No other companies could understand why we got to go out so often. The first thing that comes to their mind when they hear about us can be aptly summed up in a single word- slack! What I would give to let them know how "slack" we all really were. I suppose its to substitute for what we truly are as a result of their envy. How I, along with the rest of my company, would actually think of ourselves are efficient and competent.

I still remember the incident when I was shoved the appointment of LSM(Leader Sergeant Major). In simple terms, I was the Company IC. I was the LSM for the longest time possible! All in all, including the block leave that we had during the week where NDP 2006 fell, I was the LSM for a total of 3 weeks. Normally, one would only hold the post for a few days, maybe a week max! I could only think of 2 reasons why I was one for 3 weeks. 1) They forgot about me. 2) They really wanted to test me.

Well, it was the latter reason, I guess I had failed big time since I got one hell of a scolding for failing to move out on time. All this thanks to a certain Bravo Company which took their own sweet time in handing over the stores. Apparently, my delegation skills were not up to standard. So yup, that was one hell of day for me which led to me requesting to resign from that appointment.

That was that. What made me think about that place even more was the June of 2007 where I spent 5 weeks in that place to complete my platoon sergeant course. That was sweet. It's erm...really sweet I suppose.

Well, I'm not sure where or what I am getting at here but it seems like the Zzzz monster has gotten a grip on me. And since this is not going anywhere, maybe I should just stop here.

I drag myself through the dirt just to feel a little closer to the ground

2011-05-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

This semester has just by rather quickly. It's just a weekend more before the exams and I am glad (or rather the lack of it) that I am not prepared for it! Yet, as usual, I tend not to panic when the crisis seems great. The greater the crisis, the calmer I get. Thanks Uncle Sam and friends!

On another note, I guess I've finally figured the song that I'll hear when I am about to die. It sure has a very calming effect on me for some strange reason. Perhaps that will be the song that I will hear when the angle of death comes around to claim my soul. Well, never was mine to begin with.

I never really quite know what to write about today. Guess, it's just a filler post else people might think that I have gone inactive. Well, guess not. This is very typical of me- being extremely random. The fun part of it all is the spontaneity that one gets to enjoy. Most of the time, I am the one who enjoys it but people do get tagged along for the ride.

I have always experienced a great deal of freedom in my life. My parents never really did care where I go as long as I am safe. The keywords there are never really did care precisely because they know that I am fully capable of taking care of myself- others even. Sure they do worry but their faith in me supersedes all worries.

Guess not everyone is able to accept that for so many years in my life, I have lived a life of freedom. Before having any girlfriends, I used to keep laughing at my friends who have to constantly report to their girlfriends about their whereabouts. And I used to enjoy that a lot. But things in the past few years have been rather different. Now, I get to laugh at myself for losing that sense of freeness to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's kinda like what a friend once told me, "I do what I like and I like what I do". God bless him and hopefully he passes the course.

I always get reminded of this joke whenever I think about this sort of thing (and I really think a lot about it). The only women how knows where her husband is every night is known as a widow. For those who did not catch that, THAT was the joke. Perhaps my sentence structuring or rather the complete lack of any proper structure contributed a lot to that.

Perhaps, what I have shared with some might help? If it was forgotten, this was what I have shared,

Flying a kite is a lot like how you are with people. You can't force someone to do something. It just like how you'd run trying to fly the kite- it never really goes up. And getting it to soar up high, there has to be some pulling and letting go.

But I guess that's not a very good measure since not a lot of people knows how to fly kites. I guess you can all take it in your strides. I'm not forcing down anything down your throat just thought that I could share something that my mind has randomly thought of.

And now I sound so formal =[

Find my way back..

2011-04-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

With a lot of task at hand, I've decided to do the one thing that I shouldn't be doing...bitch about them all.

The past couple of weeks have indeed been a whirl. Thanks to my injury, surgery and recovery, I have a lot of catching up to do. Knowing how much I procrastinate, the workload just keeps piling up. Besides academics, rugby stuff have been keeping occupied too. The biggest casualty in all of this is my sleep. Well, I guess heavy doses of painkillers during the two weeks plus off of school has somewhat accumulate the amount of sleep I need to sustain myself. Then again, it could have been that I was paying back the sleep debt that I owed. What am I saying here?

Good news is that the knee has been getting better. So far, I have been recovering at miraculous speed. So miraculous that it's ridiculously impossible. I was off the crutches by 2 weeks and off my braces by the 4th week. Hell, I was able to ride my bike again by the third week when my physio-friend told me that it'll take me at least 2 months before I could ride again.

But like all things, I guess the injury was meant to happen for a reason. Firstly, my mom was happy that I was finally staying at home a lot more than I usually do. By usually do it means that I'd only come home at night after a full day at school and leave early in the morning. It seems like I am treating the home more like a hotel than anything else. Although my mom has never actually said that, I could somehow sense it. But yeah, it was the first time I was really at home. So when I actually got off the crutches, I could somehow sense some disappointment from her. It's really just too bad that my house isn't the most conducive place to get any work done. Guess, that's one more reason to get a room in hall for next semester.

But on the bright side (supposedly), I am back to being able to earn some mullahs for myself. Coaching certainly needs me to be physically-abled. Although I am not fully there yet, being able to walk is enough for now. 2 more months before I am able to do any running. 1 more month to swimming. 5 more months for me be get back onto the pitch. My pair of Nikes are currently rotting away in some obscure part of the house. Don't worry baby, in 5 more months, you and me, we're going to be tearing up the pitch once more. I can still remember the date that I last wore my pair of Nikes- 29th of January 2011. That's the fateful day which I tore my ACL. The physio was so insistent that I didn't since I didn't cry like what most people. Getting dished out with punches and kicks since the age of 9 has probably increased my tolerance for pain at an insanely high level. Army training chipped in abit to. So yeah, I didn't cry...but that's because my whole leg numbed out immediately afterwards.

The best part of it all, when I came back for my first post-op physiotherapy, I was told that I didn't look as though I actually underwent surgery since I look so fresh. For a moment there, it hit me that they could have just knocked me out, pretend to do surgery on me before I woke up and all. That's a load of crap but I guess that was the reaction that I had since my physio commented on how fresh I look. Then again, it could have been because I just showered not too long ago.

8 more months before I can really get back on my own feet and doing what I love the most- Rugby. Shall patiently (as much as I possibly can) get there.

All Signs Points to Lauderdale

2011-04-03T18:31:00.002+08:00

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
2,3,4!

Remember when I tried
I'd never strayed too far from you
Forever by your side
No matter what I was going through
But now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Cause no one can understand,
I just can't be tied down
Nothing comes between me and my plans
So now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Won't let a world gone mad ever bring me down
Gave everything I had to turn it back around
Cause our time's worth something
Bigger than both you and me
I can't live my life always backing down
I gotta do this right so they can't make a sound
Cause I'm not here for nothing
Least I can say I stand for something

You and me we stand for something

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town...

IF there's any song that speaks volumes to/about me right now, it would have to be this one. With recovery in mind, I just can't wait to get it over and done with. Seriously. The doctor/surgeon was surprised to see how fast I am recovering. 2 weeks after the operation and I am off the crutches. Usually, it'd take someone about a month. My friend who suffered the same injury as I did took about 5 weeks to finally get off crutches. But I guess that's because he's a pretty huge guy so that might probably be the case.

To top that op, I am also able to ride my bike again. Though it'll hurt to begin with, it'll eventually go numb and I'll only be in great discomfort once I have to put my right leg down again. My mom isn't stopping with the name calling but I guess I'll let her have her fun for now.

9 months to full recovery. I have yet to pass the first month. It's been only 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 9 months. Meanwhile, I'm going to religiously stick to my gym routine to get back the strength that was in my leg before.

I guess some people don't get it. I exist to prove the naysayers otherwise. Life has an added flavour like that.

Deprive someone to begin any sense of appreciation of things

How to be now

2011-03-29T17:32:00.000+08:00

World without crutches is one which is way much better than anything else. For me, walking has a much different flavour now. To many, this is insignificant but for those who have went through what I am going through right now, they'd understand.

So far, I have been called many different names. My mom has lovingly called me robocop. Friends have called me stone cold. Some stranger called me the 6 Million dollar man. How wonderful.

unconscious reality

2011-03-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

Im taking another pill just to fall asleep...

It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.

Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.

Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.

I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!

Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.

we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes

Still Learning how to roll with the punches

2011-03-22T09:44:00.000+08:00

Waking up to a call by my brother that he's in an accident isn't the kind of thing one expects to hear early in the morning. Somehow, in my gut, I knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Thankfully, it was nothing major and he should be on the way to the bike shop any time soon. Seems like only a couple of weeks back my friend got into an accident. I don't know why people I know always get into an accident. The only accident I got into so far was at a stupid carpark after a stupid fight of which I stupidly went to look for that person to make up for things. Spent the next few days with a testicle the size of a Fuji apple but after which, I was up and running again.

I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.

But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!

Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.

Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.

6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!

Livin' on a prayer

2011-03-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

Dear god,

What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.

As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.

Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?

Give me a sign...now please.

Over My Head

2011-03-10T01:34:00.000+08:00

Another night in school. It seems like I can only be productive late into the night. Well, I suppose that getting a place in hall for the last two semesters of my miserable undergraduate life can only be convenient. Although..the new definition of convenient does bug me a lot. In case you don't know, look at the root word being "con" which can only mean that its bluffing you to think that everything is easy when on the hindsight, it's a lot harder than you can only imagine. I love the new definition of convenient. Well, I suppose this goes for a lot of words which starts with c-o-n.

Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.

Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.

As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!

I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.

Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.

There is no delight in owning anything unshared

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

2011-03-07T17:49:00.000+08:00

The days have been passing past me rather quickly. Everything has been touch n' go for me. Haven't really had the time to actually sit down and absorb everything properly. Well, the break from having no training session has provided me with some respite to get some work done. Alas.....

I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!

Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.

Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.

Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.

I guess you never knew me at all

Life stories

2011-02-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

Reading past entries from my own blog has been somewhat nostalgic. From an 18 year old who worked in Delifrance while waiting to enlistment, to 2 awesome years of my life, my first 2 years of undergraduate life till now. All that stories have been quite a memory as I journey in life.

All my other posts have been about things that are too abstract for me to even comprehend and write them out even logically. So now, I'm going to give an update on myself for the past 2 months of this year.

I've recently took up a coaching assignment at some primary school. Thinking it was somewhere in Woodlands, I gleefully accepted it thinking its one of those rugby schools. Only to my horror, North Vista isn't in Woodlands after all! Damn...and to think it was since Northbrooks and North View are all in the vicinity. What a bummer! So yes, once a week, I have to vroom vroom all the way to Sengkang just to conduct an hour and a half session of rugby to kids who only care about if they can go to the canteen to buy drinks during their water breaks.

Another big issue which I have been incessantly talking about is this knee injury. In the first few days of getting it, walking alone is a momentous event! Right now, I can walk fine with a bit of pain every now and then. Running is still a no-go for me because the last time I tried, I just collapsed under my own weight. Mind you, I've since lost 4kg after the injury. Well, 4kg worth of muscles lost only to be compensated by an ever growing tummy. Soon, I'll be one prepared rider who carries a spare tire around me so I'll never have to worry if my bike's tire ever go bust.

Assignments have been piling up as they should be. It is my third year after all and taking 2 400-level modules certainly is a drain to all my mojos. In order to add salt to the injury, having people in my group who certainly does not know how to contribute is certainly a pain in the ass. I have never knew anyone who could be so despised so much. To think that I've already found that out a couple of years back was simply too quick for me. I should have just waited. Well, this could only extend my shit list. If I was some triad boss or something, this shit list will get its weekly cleansing.

The Quad-University season is going to start this coming week. The only sad thing about it is that I don't get to play it for the last time with people I've been playing with for the last 2 years of my University rugby life. Before this, I've never ever got the chance to play with such awesome players. It's just very sad that I have to sit out this year. Well, let's see what the MRI will show this Tuesday. Soon, Project Awesome will commence as soon as I've gone through with the surgery. Recovering is going to be a bitch as I have to relearn how to walk. But who knows? I might be able to run much faster after this. Life has a funny way of showing you how things will eventually turn out for the better. Let's see that theory put to work.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint

2011-02-27T16:56:00.001+08:00

Even after all these years, I have yet to figure out this question.

"Why do we fight?"

2011-02-14T00:29:00.000+08:00

With just a few more hours till the stroke of midnight, I begin to wonder the notion of love. What is love? Is it an emotion? Is it some sort of a theory? Is it something we create to justify certain acts that we carry out?

Perhaps, a joke to sort of lighten the moment here might help...
Q: What does "making love" mean?
A: It is something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

I did say perhaps and sort of didn't I?

Jokes aside, love has been the limelight in our existence in this world. Without hate, there can be no love. Without love there can be no hate in this world. Opposites exists and the only thing that we can do about it's existence is not to just deal with it but to embrace it. Only by embracing it can we truly understand the power of such a concept/notion/theory. After all, how many times have us men heard this line," Women- can't live without them, can't live with them either"? It's been repeated over and over again- made cheesy by all forms of entertainment.

Wars have been fought for such a notion. At the same time, all forms of violence have also been resolved when all forms of amnesty have been exhausted only to be replaced by the notion of love. World War 1, World War 2, Cold War and all other wars ancient to us were fought because of this thing called love or the lack of it. That statement is arguable. Even amidst any clashing, there is love going on. It is found in the form of continuum of which many of us can only identify as the lacking of love. We fail to see the hindsight of it all that violence is possibly love on the hindsight of things. Here, I cannot fail to express myself in the only way that why being a solider(of some sort) means a lot to me. It comes in the form of this, "People sleep peaceably at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf".

Right now, you must be thinking, "How is this suitable for the 14th of February?!" Well, since we ARE celebrating valentine's day, let's recap why we are.
1) St Valentine died on this day.
2) He died a martyr.
3) It is a celebration of love in its highest form- sacrifice.

So right here, sacrifice is what we are really celebrating. Not a day goes by without us doing something and not having to lose something else just to do that. Truth is, we are limited in all that we do. Economists have long identified the idea of scarcity. Right now, the only resource all of us equally have would be time. However, that too has it's own form of scarcity. Time spent working meaning time lost with your love ones. Time spent with your love ones meaning time lost for doing things that you love...unless of course you share the same interests with your love ones.

I am going all over the place with this one. Many of you would agree that I barely touch on something before going onto something else. But I am sure you do get a picture of this? No? Well, too bad because all I want to do here is to engage your thoughts....and I have a major assignment to finish by tonight.

Perhaps I will write again here once I have some more time or maybe a face-to-face conversation would do some good. Spontaneity is the mother of all mothers after all. But for now, I shall leave with something which I find highly relevant to celebrate this very day.

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

It is somehow incomplete here. Couldn't find the rest of it but I think it finishes of something like this...

You make love because you have to make love work...

2011-02-12T01:23:00.000+08:00

And so I've officially turned 24. I wonder if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years of my life. No, I'm not being emo about anything here. But if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years, it'd be the people that I'm surrounded with, the ones who I've met along the way. If I was to relive the last 24 years of my life, those people would be damn worth it to cross paths into once more. If I was to do everything again, I'd be more than happy to bump into them anytime.

2011-02-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

I can't believe school's still showing some kind of life at this hour. I am not sure if a couple looking at a laptop screen considers as studying but they are here anyway.

Well, the knee is not getting any better. With the help of a knee guard, everything seems fine. But when I do take it off, reality sets in. NUH isn't helping much either with an MRI appointment being so godddamn far away. I should probably give them a call soon and probably ask for a change of hospital if they are not going to speed things up. But then, I procrastinate.

Seeing how my team is in dire need of my skills and not being able to do anything about it is definitely the epitome of helplessness. I hate feeling helpless. Its the kind of feeling you get when you know that you definitely have the necessary to do something about it but then, there's just his one whole mountain of an obstacle that's preventing you to do that. Your heart sinks whenever that happens. And right now, that mountain happens to be my knee. Though it doesn't hurt as much anymore(probably because the swelling has gone down significantly), it does feel week, hollow even. An attempt to jog a little just so that I can get across the field faster a couple of days back provided with enough justification that my ligaments have indeed been torn. I need an operation quick! The quicker it's done, the sooner my recovery process can begin. Damn hospital!

Stoning away in front of the laptop, I was suddenly reminded of an incident which happened sometime last month. I accompanied the girlfriend for a threading session at Yishun after a session of lousy sushi for lunch. It was so lousy, it should be called shishi instead of sushi! Anyway, seeing that the place was rather crowded inside with the threaders(is that what they're called?) busy attending to other customers, we had to wait outside with me cursing under my breath because it only meant that I couldn't sneak away for a puff. Me being the potty mouth decided to make unnecessary remarks about the people inside. They ranged from how- this lady cut cue because she just entered the place even though we thought we had sort of formed a queue by sitting at the benches outside the place- to- me asking why is there a fat man inside getting his brows done only to be told that it was actually a lady...a fat one to add. I even made fun of the threaders because of how their head movement was like when they were doing the threading and promptly labelled them as nu-skul headbangers because they were constantly rocking their head backwards instead of the traditional forwards. This of course, was under the muted sound of my breath.

After more than 10 minutes of my pleasant running commentary, I was told that they could hear me of which I curtly rebutted seeing how the place was airconditioned which meant the place was sealed up. After another 5 minutes (perhaps more) of my commentary, I finally realized why I could feel the aircon from where I was sitting...I spotted a huge gap between the glass door and the glass see-through panel! Of which, she just laughed at me and went it. She came out less than 5 minutes later (just 2 puffs later to add to that) telling me how she had to profusely apologize for my kind words after she was told, "Oh! Your boyfriend is making fun of us is it?" Well, besides the angry stares that she got from the other customers (out of whom I was told that I insulted but honestly, I was just making factual comments), she actually got to go before the lady who "cut the queue". Well, maybe that's because when she entered the place, a big, "EH! Why is she cutting the queue? Can't she see that you're queuing up??"

I am beginning to think that behind all that embarrassment one can get just being around me, there are benefits as well. But, it's just me justifying myself.

Never say anything to hurt anyone.
I was always told not to lie (:

2011-02-02T12:17:00.001+08:00

A trip to see a specialist only confirmed the worst. There is indeed a tear in the ACL and possible the meniscus as well. This means that I can't pivot my right leg without it hurting like hell and I can't fully bend my knee thus that limited range of motion.

How fucked up can things get? Well, 2011 is an odd year. It's supposed to be a good year. How did it start? It started with non-stop raining and now this. 2 negatives are supposed to make a positive. Let's see the outcome of all this. Probably they'd turn me into a cyborg or something. But that's is just fictional nonsense; ones you can probably find on Cartoon Network or Disney Channel. Nickalodean is safe because it's Spongebob's home.

I can't believe I am turning 24 in a few days time. I feel so old already. The fact that I am limping around right now is kinda rubbing some salt into the wound. Girlfriend is planning something big. I can smell it! But being the easy-going person I am (that's how the doctor characterized me), I shall go with the flow.

Watching TV a couple of days ago, I struggled at the fact that I can never go back to being 14, 17 or even 19. Those were the best years of my life thus far. And this reminded me of something from the Movie: Radio Flyer. I bet nobody really knows that such a movie exists. But something that really struck a chord with me are the seven lost secret fascinations and abilities as we grow older.

1) Animals can talk
2) Your favorite blanket is woven from a fabric so mighty, that once pulled over your head, it becomes an impenetrable force
3) Nothing is too heavy to life with the aid of your cape
4) Your hand, held forefinger out and thump up, actually fires bullets
5) Jumping from any height with an umbrella is completely safe
6) Monsters exist and can be both seen and done battle with
7) Most special and regrettable loss of all: The ability to fly

(RADIO FLYER, 1992)

2011-01-31T23:21:00.000+08:00

The start of the semester wasn't exactly what I've envisaged. As if having it pouring all week long wasn't enough God decided that I needed another punishment. The rain meant that friendly matches that I've co-organized had to be cancelled causing frustration to both parties. Not only that, it frustrated me further to know that I am not able to hold training sessions which means that whatever progress that I was looking forward to has been impeded. Right now, I have very little faith in my own judgement thanks to forces that are beyond my control. Oxymoron much? Perhaps. But that's because I've lived my life with the principle that everything can be controlled. Well, external forces, ones far more powerful that I am or will ever be have other plans in mind.

To add to this misery, I just had to sustain a knee injury during a game for my club. The whole thing happened in a blink of an eye. Heavy guy fell down on my leg in a position that is far too awkward for any ligaments or tendon to stay undamaged. Thankfully, me screaming at the top of my lung stopped everyone in their tracks for if they didn't, I was certain that I would have been trampled upon by guys who are of more than 100kg in weight individually. I didn't dare to look down to see what had happened to my leg for fear of seeing that it has been detached or even a fracture. I've overly dramatize the whole situation but that was what ran through my mind at that time..thinking of the worst that could have happened. Thankfully, everything is intact- superficially that is. All I felt was this numbing sensation that ,thankfully, God has built our bodies to be of certain manner when faced with such situations.

Right now, all I can do is to limp my way around with the help of powerful painkillers. Sleeping on the night I've sustained that injury was a sleepless one as when I turned it my sleep, I would be awakened by the sudden sheer pain. Trying to fall asleep in such a weird and conformable position was particularly hard. If it wasn't for the drowsiness that came with the medications, that night would have been a sleepless one.

Till now, I still have no idea the extent of this injury. All I know is that there is no fracture as confirmed by an X-Ray test earlier. Thankfully, Fahmy managed to slot me in for an appointment with his sports physician tomorrow. Else, I would have to wait till the 21st of March just to get an Orthopedics specialist's assessment. By then, any chance of me recovering just in time for the Quad-Unis would be nothing but just a wish.

I've no regrets about what happened last Saturday. Whatever happened was probably meant to happen anyway. All I can do right now is to look forward and recover the best I can. No point crying of spilled milk and it is certainly pointless to feel sorry for myself. I have a lot of people doing that for me already. My contribution to that department is unnecessary. I'm going to hope for the best and expect the worse from here on out.

2011-01-25T00:20:00.000+08:00

As I lay in bed while waiting for the medication to take it's effect on me, I can't help but to wonder about how nice the past week has been for me. 2011 looks kinda good right now. Found a couple of new things to do; ones that I would have never thought I would actually do 10 years ago.

In a few days time, I'd be turning 24. I can't believe I'm actually going to be so old. I've had moments where I would literally stare into space during tuitions and I'd wonder what life has been for me so far for the past 23 years. Honestly, I can recollect anything more than 5 years ago without any difficulty. Guess I've been doing a lot lately.

Honestly, I was never a bike person. If you asked the 18 year old me, I would have told you that I just can't see myself riding. Driving yes but riding was definitly out of the picture. I still don't know what motivated me to pick up riding lessons but I did and 6 months later I was zipping around on my trusty Kawasaki. I can never forget the feeling of riding my own bike for the very first time. It was absolute freedom!

I can never see myself not having a bike. Despite people telling me how dangerous it is and all, I shall never give it up. I dare say it's the perfect substitute for flying. Unless you're flying off the bike that is...that's a different story altogether. So every now and then, I'd load up my iPod with whatever techno/club/trance/whateveritscalledbecauseicantreallybebotheredaboutit music and ride the Malaysian roads in the dead of the night. It's the kind of feeling that one gets when playing need for speed or burnout or midnight club. It's the exact replica! Except that when you total your ride, you are done for!

The girlfriend doesn't quite trust my riding skills though. This is the guy who got into an accident inside a carpark while doing something really stupid. Can't believe I spent that national day in the hospital. But a few days back, I got screamed at by the dear pillion by pulling a fast corner over some allegedly sandy part of the road near the barrage. This is the exact same guy who countersteered his way out of a skid. Ok...I know it sounds as though I am boasting or gloating here but i'm not. Really! All I'm saying is that I THE safest rider ever! I have this phenomenal gift of intuition along with a sharp mind to do an AOS in a matter of seconds. Ok, now I'm gloating. So sue me already.

In another part of the world, this captaincy gig is really taking a toll on me. I wish I could be that kind of person who could just move along if people wouldn't get on with the program. Instead, I am the neverleaveanymenbehind kind of person. Bummer! It's really draining on me just to gather up the full team for a proper session. The quad-Unis are just a month away and the attitde that I am getting is absolutely disheartening. God, if yours listening to me, I am really praying for a miracle here. Let's hope the game against acjc this Wednesday afternoon will be a good one. I am praying hard here.

I used to be a soldier who never loses his composure

2011-01-16T15:30:00.000+08:00

I have never felt so tired in my life before. Well, that's just an exageration but I know that you know what I mean. It's been 6 days of pure intense rugby consisting of trainings from Monday till Thursday followed by a friendly match with the school team on Friday and a club match on Saturday. The latter's result had to be voided as the game was cancelled halfway through thanks (but no thanks) to the rain. All I got from that game was a bruised ego along with a bruised shoulder, a bump on the head, a knocked up knee and along with an extremely sore body. This isn't Sunday anymore, it's SOREday.

As if that isn't enough, work is also wearing down. 2 sessions of tuitioning today, one sessions of MTS yesterday and also Pizza delivery yesterday and later in the evenings. Come Wednesday, it'll be another sessions of MTS at my old secondary school in the evening. Soon, I'll have another coaching assignment in some school which I only hearing it's name for the first time. If you find these all very overwhelming, you're probably right- it IS! All I can say is that I am going through hell for a little piece of heaven. Hope that small little piece won't disappoint.

How my life is like right now mirrors everyone- albeit in a rather different way. We spend our lives going through hell just for that little piece of heaven which most of us calls retirement. Sadly, most of us will never get there. Bright side of it all is that we won't have to suffer the ails of old age. Well, at least that's what some of us prefer anyway. We can never truly do what we want to do in our lives. We are often tied down with nonsense such as responsibilities, obligations, mortgages, debts, bla bla bla. The list goes on. ITS NEVER ENDING!!!

It's sickening how we think how blessed we are when all we get is pummelled upon by things we need to do. The ratio of us getting pummelled by that versus getting levitated by things that we really want to do is dissapointing. So at the end of the day, all of us are living a lie.

I realize how pessimistic and morbid this all sounds. But then, not everyone can actually handle the truth. People can even get killed or detained for trying to show some light on things. So I am back to square one- what is the meaning of life?

2011-01-12T16:28:00.001+08:00

If you have yet to watch Scott Pilgrim VS the World...well...you should. Life's a game. Play it well.

2011-01-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

Watching Friday Night Lights again (the movie not the TV series), has instilled something within me. Something really important. Perhaps, I shall part you all with a quote from that movie that has really moved me to do something. Something about being perfect. Because being perfect means...

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

For my team, I need to be perfect. Somehow, it has got to work...

2011-01-03T12:45:00.000+08:00

Spending the last 3 days of working has been really tiring. But nevertheless, with the company I'm having there, I did not regret working over the new year. Plus, I get paid just to sit inside the store when there's nothing to do but to eat, drink and basically hang out. What's there not to like.

Riding around, I have thought about the kind of jobs that I've had over the past years. Come to think of it, it's really quite a list. Because I have nothing better to do but to sit in front of the computer as I decide whether I should head to the gym or not, I think I'm going to list the jobs that I've worked as.

Grocery Store Helper (2001)
It was near Hari Raya and my dad's friend needed help at this store. So why not?

Door Salesman (2003)
Worst job in the world to take on especially when the "O" levels are just around the corner. Earned nothing from that damn job.

Construction Worker (2003)
My neighbor asked. I agreed. Spent a couple of days in the sewers. Awesome job!

Security Officer (2004)
Shitty job with shitty pay. Didn't know why I took it in the first place. Worked there for 11 days straight without any days off before I decided to quite because of the next job (:

Technician- Repairing TVs (2004-2005)
BEST JOB ION THE WORLD!! Basically, just travelling around the area and servicing people's tv.

Packer (2004)
Just packing stuff.

Waiter (2005-2006)
Talking to strangers have never been more interesting. Spilled soup all over the tray en route to the table on the first day.

Army (2006-2008)
Need I say more? Well, that was a "hump" where I didn't work but got paid to run, shoot, shout and fly around the world.

Relief Teacher (2008)
I basically get to screw around kids' minds and getting paid quite a bit for it.

Tutor (Present)
Easy money. Easy job.

Pizza Delivery (Present)
Shitty money. But I basically get to race around town on a Wave and the tips are like Katy Perry's Hot & Cold.

This didn't turn out to be as awesome as I thought it would be. Maybe I should get back to this when I have more ideas.

2010-12-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

It's been such a long time since i've wrote anything on this space. I can't remember the last time since I've wrote anything. Havent had much luck in writing anything sensible partly perhaps due to the amount of reports that I had to do last semester and partly also because I've lost my muse. Where shall I begin?

Last semester was a total disaster. After facing fierce resistance towards my thoughts of taking a year off from studies, I had to simply soldier on with the remaining semesters of this damn university education. I can't really put a finger as to why I finally conceded to carrying on when I had no more motivation to do so. But a huge part of it can be factored to my parents- I don't want to disappoint them. Even though they have never emphasized on how much importance this studying thing is, I can tell that somehow they have their hopes pinned down on me. Being the first to ever reach this level in my ENTIRE family, it does provide a bit of a pressure for me to actually perform. Well, NTU has provided me with a sense of relief as I found out that I am able to graduate a semester earlier than my peers. But as of any major milestones of my academic track has provided with, I find myself asking the same question all over again, "What's next?" So far, all I have received would be more blanks and even more questions that I ask myself. I cannot ask any of my family members that question because at the level I am at, they too are dumbfounded. If only I was born into a smarter family...

2010 has been sort of an interesting year. Started out with me getting dumped for good. Guess that will forever be seared in my mind; not that I have yet to do anything about it. But it gets more interesting with me surprisingly being made captain of the team. Honestly, I have no idea on how to run a team at this level. I was aiming towards mediocricy, instead I was shoved with a whole load of greatness. Then I got reunited with someone special back from JC. However, that too had its own twist and turn to it. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I felt the pinge of betrayal from someone whom I have never thought would do such a thing. Just when you think you can actually trust somebody, the throw you a whole new ballgame that puts you back to square one. I dare say that 2010 is filled with setbacks...a lot more that one could have ever anticipated. Then again, I've always thought that even years were bad years. So much so for me hoping that 2010 would have been a good one. Guess I've struck out on luck.

However, it was not without its moments of beauty. As I have always said, if there were no solutions, then its not even a problem to begin with. Every problem has its solutions. Some of it might need a little bit more resiliance than others to reach for it but its there for sure. I have always been the sort of person who thinks with his heart but having a great deal of passion might work both positively as well as negatively. The year has been some sort of self-discovery for myself. Someone once told that if I cannot love myself first, no way in hell can others love me. There is a lot of truth in that provided that you do not fall deeply in love with yourself- that just plain vanity and it's just disgusting. Not that I am low on self-esteem or anything but that boosted it by a great deal.

Well, the year's coming to an end in just a few days time and nope, I'm not going to make any new year resolutions. I have never made any new year resolutions before and I am intending for things to remain that way. What I have with me is a life plan. Though I might fall short of things somehow somewhere, I'll make up for it soon enough. Let's just see how the days roll by and I'll just do what I do best- improvise.

2010-12-21T11:21:00.002+08:00

SPARKLE MOTION

You can thank me, for finding out a way to turn back time.
See there's this ghost who's a friend of mine,
who always keeps me safe until I wake up and rise
from the heart of a shallow grave.

This philosophy is killing me,
still you're willing to stay while I go set the blaze
that's gonna kickstart a craze that gets my name placed
down in history for burning down his privacy.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

Give me a warning if it's called for,
I'll go plan our escape but there's no time to waste.
So keep those hips moving, moving side to side.
It'll make their eyes grow wide to keep them occupied.
Take it off like you know you should, I wouldn't give a damn if you said you never would.
Our heads are filled with the perfect tune,
so take my hand now, this will all be over soon.
Let the water hit your shoes, and pass over and over.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
If you've got to know, I'm so over it.
If you just stop trying, it will come to you.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

2010-12-13T17:01:00.000+08:00

BROKEN WINGS

Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I'll be

to what humanity has become...go ahead and click the title

2010-12-09T00:03:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

Why are you doing all these to me? You know that I am not that strong. Ease up a little and let me find my way back home please?

Regards

2010-11-20T20:46:00.000+08:00

School is slowly beginning to chip away my soul. What happened to the comfort that our teachers gave? "everything is going to be so much easier after your A levels" is a total lie. Okay...perhaps partially because we boys get to take a break for two years. National Saikang isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. Besides being confined for the weekdays and sometimes the weekend, I don't think there's nothing that I don't like about it. Although, I can hear a lot of people jumping on my defense and saying how wrong I am. But hey, to each his own. I got the good part while you're just unlucky to get it bad by being subordinated to people like me. Not like I'm a bad superior anyway.

So everyone's dying. Those who aren't, have nothing but school going on in their lives. That was an indirect way of me saying that they don't quite have a life. Hence, school is an incomplete package. Can you imagine what you're future employers are going to see when all they see on your resume is nothing but your so called excellent GPA? What about CCA? What about other things? TeeeeeeetTtt!! (im trying to emulate the sound of a buzzer there)

I'm supposed to be writing out my essays but so far, nothing coherent is coming to my mind. I hate writer's block. IF HDB was to actually build such a block, I'll shit at its lobby everyday and pee in the lift. In short, it'll be my toilet. By now, I'm pretty sure you get the idea but I just can't help to emphasize it because I cant seem to be able to write something coherent for the paper that's going to be graded.

I love bike rides. It gives me a peace of mind which then inspires me to write about a lot of things. But you see, that's the frustrating part. I can't note down these thoughts and no matter how hard I try to remember them, I would have probably forgotten about all of them when I finally get to park my bike. When that happens, comes to urge for me to get on again and ride. Well, you know what? I NEED OPEN ROADS!!! If it winds, It'll be so much better. Btw, it's winds as in winding not because I am grammatically illegitimate. Stop jumping on me guys. pffttt!!

So yes...I had fun today. The rain was merely a hump in a great day; so was the waiting time for each ride. Speaking of which, I hate a (dirty) joke. What does Viagra and roller-coasters have in common? You have to wait over an hour for 3 mins of fun. But other than that, I had a great time. Kinda reminds me why I'm still afraid of rollercoaster rides. YEs I AM! Is that supposed to be a revelation for you? Anyway, it's because I dont have any control. IT goes where it is supposed to go. That's what makes it so scary. I can't dictate when that initial dip(this is the scariest part by the way) will be and how the twists and turns will come about. SO there you go. (:

Bleargh!

2010-11-15T19:56:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be doing my readings and all other nonsense but here i am writing out this nonsense. I guess, i'm very very selective about my nonsense.

Looking through my photos on FB, i guess I could see me slowly but sure transforming. Photos of me as a toddler that was posted up by my cousin kinda reminded me how all of us used to be young. Well, by that i mean't our parents too. When I look at how young my parents were then and how worn out they look now, I regret the times that I dont get to spend with them. With secondary school, it's because of them working. So I decided that I didn't want to stay at home too long because I stopped seeing the point of coming home to an empty house. So I picked up a lot of things to do with rugby making the bulk out of it.

That was 10 years ago. Now, I think im regretting the times that I don't get to spend with them: my family. True, one of the reasons why is that I am actually embarrased by their antics sometimes- with my mom speaking so loudly to us all that I guess the whole world knows what we are talking about( think lift with strangers in it plus my mom scolding my dad for being so slow :\)

I guess that's what make them them. They would talk so loudly that I suspect strangers think that me and my brothers must be deaf. And my dad, he just so chill about things. I've never seen him or heard him in a panic state before. Not even when I told him about an impending punishment that I might get for losing my "wife" over in Taiwan.

My parents have indeed make me who I am. Well, that said, I dare say that I have the best parents in the world- wouldn't trade them for anything at all.

Seeing how the times has worn them out...i feel a sense of sadness. They've never quite told me how they were like when they were young in whole- just bits and pieces here and there. But maybe because they were/are always so busy and all. But I wouldn't be who I am right now if it wasnt for them.

That said, I can sense some of you already thinking bad things about them for you think I have done something bad to you. Well..FUCK YOU! Things happen because they were meant to happen. No matter how much effort you put into things, it will never turn out the way you want it to be. Not even if you cry infront of others just to get their sympathy. To me, it's jsut an act of sucking up and that sucks- shows how parasitic your personality is like. Plus, to make others feel bad about their choice(even though its a good one), that's just as bad. Says a lot about you.

That out of the way, some parents are jsut so screwed up. They always think that what they're doing is right when it spells W-R-O-N-G. I get these people...they've committed so much mistakes in their past that nobody ever showed them what is right. It comes to a point that what they think is right is actually wrong.

Ah...i've lost my train of thought here and hell yeah did I digress here. Oh wells.

Cherish your youth, even when you're all wrinkly

2010-11-11T15:15:00.000+08:00

It's been a damn long time since I've written anything here. The blame could probably be placed to the countless of writings that I have to do just to get that measly piece of paper halfway through 2012. Slowly but surely I am asking myself- Is this all worth it?

Life would surely be better off if I was on some faraway deserted island where all I do all day is relax, enjoy life and get served by beautiful servants (no dirty thoughts here please). I am sure somehow this fits into some of your very definition of paradise. Instead, what we all we want is to go through hell for a measly piece of heaven before ending up in hell for eternity.

I have a joke which sums up the point that I'm trying to get at here.
An investment banker was in a plane that crashed into the sea. He gets washed up onto an island which was had a small native population living on it. After he was nursed back to full health, he began to take notice of how the natives lived their lives. They did nothing all day but to laze around and occasionally fish for food and farmed just for sustenance. Nobody seems troubled as their life was that of lax. He thought to himself, "they could be so much better off if they did a lot more!"
So one day, he went up to the chief and started questioning him.
"Why is nobody really working here?" he asked.
"What for?" was the chief's reply.
"So that they can grow more food"
"What for?"
"So that you can export the food"
"What for?"
"So that you can make money for yourself!" the investment banker was getting annoyed at this point.
"What for?" the chief continued.
"So that you all can one day settle down peacefully on some tropical island and retire peacefully without any worries about the world"
"Isn't that what we're doing now?" came the chief's reply.

Each day, we are in pursuit of something...something that is intangible: happiness. We take that everything we do now is just a means to attain that. But slowly and surely, it chips away our soul bit by bit. Are we really happy in what we do? I guess the best way for any of us to love anything that we do is to do something which is an end in itself- like making money.

Fact is, I still have no idea why im here. I should have signed that damn paper 3 years ago and be part of ISAF by now. But, some some sheer carelessness, i opted out of it. Not a day goes by without me wondering about the "what ifs".

I guess, we live our lives thinking about the "what ifs". Each day is lived with us making choices. Having the chance to actually choose is what makes us all humans. While we may casually think that there are many options available for us all, fact is, at every second of our lives we are deciding whether to open door A or door B. There's only 2 choices for us. Only 2! Every other choice is basically the succession of the choice that we've made from the previous ones.

Time is a bitch on this one because it doesn't allow us to reverse on the choice that we make. It's constantly moving forward. But thankfully, with the blessings of ingenuity, us humans have been able to delay the effects of time- we are now allowed to move horizontally. Progression doesn't always take place vertically; it sometimes takes place horizontally. Like from JC to Poly kind of thing. It is still a progression. We choose exhaustively without thinking much of the consequences of our daily lives. We choose and choose until we hit a brick wall. If you hit one literally, then, go see a doctor for it because I'm talking analogically. Upon the confrontation with that brick wall, we then have the option of sliding sideways. It's a slim chance but the chance is there nontheless. It's like looking for a that hole with sunlight in a dark cave- you either go for it or you'll remain there in the dark. Either way, there has to be progression.

Consequences do come with each and every choice that we make. Right now, the choice that I've made to write this out has resulted in me not doing my readings or any of my reports. But it's a choice I've made and we live with the choices we make. In order for us to make "smarter" choices we have to gain that sense of maturity. Here, I define maturity as having a full sense of consequences from the choices that we make. We never make our choices blindly. How we choose has been shaped by the people around us, and also past events that has brought us to the point of life that we are at now.

Too bad, nobody realizes this- we actually live our lives in a big circle. Ever wondered as to why a certain point of our lives seems so familiar? We have a term for it: mid-life crisis. It's exactly the same point where we decide what to do with the rest of our lives. Think O levels or A levels. That period of time left you wondering, "what the hell should I do next?" But thankfully, during our youth, we have our family, friends and also our teachers to guide us. Try doing that at the age of 40. The only sources of guides that you'll have are: mortgage, your family and your kids' education. But we get by...by god we do. That's the amazing character of humans: our resilience.

Well, after that period, you think you're doing fine because you got by. Wait till 50 hits you and then 60. The sad thing about us all is that we are only temporary. We are temporary in other people's live. We are temporary at a place. We are only temporarily on earth. The constant being of temporariness.

Life starts with us jumping off a diving board aiming for a perfect entry into that small hole at the bottom. Many of us fall short and land on the sides of that small hole.

2010-11-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

PERFECTION

Everyone is striving for this. To be perfect. To want everything to be perfect. It is a crime to ourselves if we fall short of being perfect. What does this word mean?

To many of us, it simply means getting everything correctly done. To others, it means nothing goes wrong. Its a half-full, half-empty kind of dialectic. It's a shame that we have turn our minds to an explaination so simple that we lose foresight of what this word really means.

"I am a perfectionist!"
Many of us proudly exclaim this fact and then deliberately ignore the "urgh!" faces that everyone around us makes. Some of us even suffer from violent spasms whenever we hear this and when we finally gain conscious, we find the perfectionist perfectly lying on the perfect floor with a perfect red mark which suspiciously has the same size as our palm on their face. Then again, you can always exclaim, "whoops! Im sorry! Im not perfect you see.."

Nobody has ever realized the true meaning of perfect. Here is a list of things that it really means.

Paranoia
We never ever want to get things wrong. When things go wrong, we panic! At best, we resign to fate which is good because we then realize that we can get everything to go our way (unless you're me of course). Because we want everything to go right (aka our way), we tend not to trust others so willingly. We end up doing all things ourselves and then scream in angst when we realize what we're really doing is digging a deeper hole (which is only good if you want to end up on the other side of the world aka China or NTU).

I mean, look at Hitler! He had a good thing going. He could have even stopped the Allied invasion dead in it's tracks in Normandy. Instead, his distrust in his Generals meant that they didn't have the capability to mobolize the Panzer reserves to unleash hell on the Allied attacks. They had to ask for his permission and even then, he'll only consider about it. By the time he approved of it all, the Allies were already in too deep. That fellow commited suicide just over a year later. He was a perfectionist!

Are you going to perfect everything that goes wrong? I guess, yes and no. Well, wanting things to be perfect isnt wrong. No wait, it actually is! You can never get perfection. What you want to strive for is greatness. Perfection is overated. And soon, perfectionists will be walloped by the anarchist who wants nothing to be in order (but that itself is a certain kind of social order).

All I am saying is that, don't be so bothered about every little thing that doesn't go according to your way. Two wrongs makes a right anyway. So, if you keep doing something and you think you're going the wrong way, just do it one more time and then you're sure to be on the right path soon enough.

Don't let wanting things to be perfect consume you. Perfection is in the others of how others see you. It's whether you are perfect to them or not. NEVER EVER compromise on your values and your traits. That's not being perfect, that's being accomodating. So unless you're a hotel or a hotel manager (even if its the kind found on Facebook), do yourself a favour and dont do that...it's just too insulting.

Prefects are certainly not perfect

2010-10-31T12:15:00.000+08:00

If there's one way of describing how I feel now, it would be melanchonically angsty. I don't know how else to feel except this way. I guess, it borders between being sian and dulan. The week has been very hectic and the new job is rather demanding on the part of the managers. They're treating me as if I'm on a term break or something. Think I'll need to cut down on the working hours just so that I can finish my school work, work and not be so tired the next day that all I want to do is to sleep.

Time is never on my side. It's ever so fleeting which is painfully annoying. If I had just one or two hours more in a day, I think I'll be able to do so much more. Is there actually a way to slow things down so that I can actually get more done? If you know of such a way to do that, let me know. I'd really appreciate that. Imagine this, me being a blur to everyone while everyone else seems to be creeps(just because they move and creeping speed).

I know what I just blabbered about seems incoherent. I FEEL incoherent. Maybe even disconnected. It's like whatever is being taught in this semester doesn't make sense at all. Sure, I do go to classes and all but yeah, it's beginning to seem that it doesn't make a fucking difference whether I do or not; I come out still feeling clueless.

Yes yes, I can hear some of you sniggering away about me and my incompetence. Go ahead then. You might get far in what you're doing right now, but always remember- It was the tortoise that won the race.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

2010-10-25T19:42:00.000+08:00

I have been getting such weird dreams lately. They have been getting so weird lately that the realm of dreams and reality have been blurred into on big mess(or I should say?). Many have told me that dreams is the toy of the devil. Well, if so, I guess I am playing his game pretty well and perhaps, I am even outplaying him.

It came to a point that I was "shown" this particular phrase which I tried to record as closely as my memory permits.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.

That is as far as I can remember. Try googling it. I can't find it anywhere. Along with that, I have been "interacting" with different characters. It all makes it seem that I have a past life which I am trying so hard to forget but it keeps on haunting me. It is all making me seem that in my previous life, I was someone who kills and kills- but not for no reason. Perhaps that could explain my superior sense of protecting- of becoming a sheep dog, protecting the herd of sheep from the wolves.

All this is seemingly incoherent right now. But each time I retire, all questions that I have thought of either consciously or subconsciously gets answered. Sometimes, it's not even the ones that I wanted to be answered right away. But it's as though I am given revelations as to how things are like, was like and is going to be. Last night, I dreamt about how the world was going to end- it was so fucking scary.

I actually confided in my elder brother, one who I continually blame myself for he actually turned out(I shall share it with you if you ask. Im very selective who I share this with so be honored if I do). In him, I told him I was not ready to die. I told him that the angels require me to do a lot more good if I do not want to end up in hell because it seems like I was going to be there for all eternity. I told him that he has to help me hold back the angel of death just so that I can accomplish my goals that God has set out for me. In that sense, I told him that God has asked me to revert all that mankind has done to prevent Armageddon. It seems like it was possible.

I don't know, it all seems so real. I actually felt the fear. I actually felt the frustration. For the first time, I actually felt that I was given the truth about my existence.

Then again, perhaps I have been played too much by the devil into all this.

But then, the person whom i confided in was no other than my elder brother. The one person whom actually felt hurt by my own trait of wanting to do things on my own; of wanting to sort things out on my own. Honestly, I cry when I come to think of my family's demise. No, its not like I am wanting it to happen or else, why would I cry? It scares the hell out of me(too bad that doesn't get me to heaven)! I cannot imagine a time where they dont exist. Hmm..perhaps that was what it was meant by that phrase.

Who am I?

2010-10-20T11:13:00.000+08:00

So Hot And You Sweat On It

I'm not a kid you would call a tradition.
And I don't give a fuck about the human condition.
Or regard warnings or lurking suspicions.
Of a life lead after dark.
I'm not one to think that half the suspense is.
Knowing what actions have consequences.
Or knowing what day in the week it really is.
Not that it ever mattered.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I got this thing it's called having a good time.
The only difference is that I don't rock sunshine.
Or a rainy day get away that always makes me stay in the same place.
So let me be candid.
I know you can't stand it.
When I push the subject and you push the rhythm of speech.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I'm stuck in a town that's not enough for me.
Don't tell me that it's easy.
Some say that I'm bad news but I got some news for you.
We live a life that nobody knows.
We're having fun and I'm sure that it really shows.
Obnoxiously and selfishly.
But we have our way of keeping ourselves busy.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I will be back to see you off in the morning

Says it all doesn't it? Click on the title to listen to it.

2010-10-17T12:57:00.000+08:00

Sam's not turning out how I hope he would be. It seems like there's still a lot that needs to be done before I can even think of thinking of taking him out to stretch his legs along the North-South Highway. It's a bit ambitious (and pretentious to some) I know. But you only live once so what the hell right (I might even end up there too along with all of you! hahahaha! *evil laughter*)? But yeah, I've taught about it and one of the things I would like to do is to do a solo-ride worldwide- after which my butt will be as wide as the tires of my bike.

School isn't how I hope it'd turn out to be either. I don't know why this semester is very overwhelming. It seems like everything is a blur when I am rushing from point to point. Smoking, as it seems, is the only solace to put things clearly into perspective- everything slows down forcibly, nobody is really there to distract me or talk to me for that matter (yes yes, it stinks i know), and yes, you just sit there and take one drag after another AND most importantly, you need to have coffee by your side. That is the ultimate combination of the two stimulants. One simply cannot work without the other. Unless you substitute coffee for red bull that is..but it's just not quite the same.

I don't understand how people can contradict themselves so much. It's like being angry with someone for missing them so much. I must admit that I am one of those people who RARELY contradict myself(that is a very bias statement but then, this is a very bias blog so suck it). It's really strange- people. We are the only beings on this planet(or perhaps amongst the planets) who are wiling to kill another human being for the greater good. What is the greater good? Good is something that someone terms something because it benefits them. So, is it really the greater good? If so...who is it for?

Anyway, as you can see, i don't contradict. I just get distracted. So yes, that is one case in point. Another would be that they would tell you something but when you give your input (just a teeny weeny one), they'd change their entire point and make it seem like as though you were the one who actually came up with that original point. I can only be amused and flabbergasted at any attempts of a a recovery.

Krav Maga at $200 for 10 sessions doesn't sound too expensive does it? Well, we'll see how it goes. It'd be good for me since it's been such a long time ever since I did any fighting of any sort (legal or illegal). And yes, fighting with words is just like taking a satay stick and then pretend you're fencing. It is the epitome of being lame. Physical violence or being brutish is what shaped our world into what it is right now. Without war, there can be no peace. And from this prolonged peace, everyone gets restless so they try to pick fights. Take Iraq and Afghanistan for example. Poor bastards. Iran, you're next in the list just for building a nuclear reactor plant. LOL. It's like us getting attack by our neighbor just for building the new water plant and water desalination plant (which means we don't have to buy so much water anymore). The day that happens, I'd say that that will be a load of crap. But hey, at least I'd get a chance to fight (:

One, little two, little three, little...

2010-10-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Everyone should be trusted until they have proven themselves untrustworthy beyond reasonable doubt

IF you were to use this mantra while doing what I do, then I guess you're in for a big surprise. That line speaks volumes about you being so goddamn naive about everything- in this instance other people.

But yes, I do believe that there are good in people. It's just buried so deep within that they themselves believe that doing good would only result in the benefit of others and that they would gain nothing.

They would gain nothing... That phrase itself goes to show how much of a human being we human beings can be. But some do go out of the way to actually prove themselves untrustworthy(if there is no such word as this, there is now).

So yes, it is true that I don't trust easily. But it is a paradox in the sense that if I don't trust, I cant love(in any possible way that is). But to trust is to be vulnerable and if there's one thing I loath the most is the feeling of vulnerableness. Once bitten, twice shy. Enough is enough. But I guess these walls around me that I've built can be crumbled if one cares enough to take the pains to actually bring it tumbling down.

Although...I don't think it can actually tumble down. Ok ok..maybe not bring it tumbling down but to scale it and join me inside the walls that I've built. IT's like a castle or fortress. But with any design, there is a soft spot that once hit, you can actually penetrate through and get to me. Guess not everyone can or will notice that.

But with trust(or the lost of it), I suppose there is also redemption. No religion has stated that once you've sinned, you cannot be redeemed. WEll, not the ones that I know of anyway. SO i'm going to leave it as that..

A single lie can cloud a thousand truth

2010-10-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

Life has been pretty WTF lately. Assignments and readings keep on piling and all that im doing with them is just shoving them aside(like what im doing now). Just wish that I had more time in a day so that I can actually get things done. Being an aggressive procrastinator does help either(go figure out how one does that). In other words, I procrastinate aggressively(like I said, go figure that one out).

Rugby has turned out to be a chore. With a coach that seems more like a magician(he should change his name to David Copperfield or something) than what he hired him to do(to coach obviously), I actually have to step up to the plate and train everyone. As a result, I don't get to train myself. How the fuck am I suppose to improve as a player really? It's not like I'm a rugby legend or something that I don't need the training. I seriously do need the training or else why do I actually bother to turn up at every session? FUBAR. Different year, same shit.

Well, the only good thing is that Im actually getting a new bike. Well, not exactly new; old bike new rider. Nevertheless Im quite excited even though that means that every month, I owe someone $120 for the next 3 years(someone being the shop). Well, at least I can afford it. Once I start working, time to aim big(literally). Yeah bebeh!!!

Pardon my rather erratic behavior. But I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I suppose I have actually snapped. Awesome possum.

A leader is one who, out of madness or goodness, volunteers to take upon himself the woe of the people. There are few men so foolish, hence the erratic quality of leadership in the world

2010-09-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

Obligations...
That word is simply a bitch. It sucks the fun out of everything because you are obligated to do something means you can't enjoy it while you're at it. In a sense, you've been dutied so that means it has become an objective which you have to accomplish. When is achieving an objective ever fun? Remember those adventure camps that you went to when you were still in school? Everything was so exciting when you're packing and what nots...then you reach the campsite and everything goes downhill from there.

I've digressed. But that's also because whatever that I INTENDED to write about here has somehow dissapated from my mind. Well, I'll improvise.

One thing I still am extremely peeved about is the way people would leave their droppings on my space and not even have the courtesy to tell me who they are. Then again, who leaves their crap and tell everyone that it was them who left it there anyway? Guess, nobody does that. So okay, I respect that! You may choose not to tell me who you actually are when you leave your crap lying around on my space. Permission granted!

School sucks big time! All that's been happening lately, I simply hope that it will all be worth it in the future because right now, whatever is happening or has already happened has somehow persuaded me that it is not that worth it anymore. It's like how the Great War was fought. It started out as a war for justice; to show who was right! Eventually, it only showed who was left and only then did people realize that it wasn't worth it anymore. I bet every leader then could be heard mumbling, "It was a good idea at that time.."

This investment of time and energy(and even my soul which I am pretty sure I'll never be able to get back any of it) is seriously demanding. Sometimes I wonder if whatever I am doing is really worth it all. I sometimes(keyword being sometimes) envy those who's only activity in school is just to go to class, mingle a little and do assignments. They have nothing else in the world to do(aka no life) so that means they have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck they want to(aka to get a life).

Then there are those who are already working. Things couldn't get any simpler than that. Go to work, do your work. Go home rest and not care about work at all. Right now, there is a blur in my two dimensions. School, work and home has all blurred into one big mess. There are no separations at all except for the one in terms of space. Other than that, it's all jumbled up into one big gooey shit that I am slowly picking off from my deteriorating body.

It gets tiring. Really really tiring. Between assignments and readings, I have trainings, a part-time job and basically little to no quality time with the girlfriend. Life couldn't get any shittier than it already is. Got to dig my way out of this shithole. NIE people have it easy..honestly. And anyone else who has yet to embrace any leadership roles in anything or anywhere near it has no idea what is it like to juggle to the point of near insanity.

Well, the line has been blurred anyway. I've lost track of time- well days to be exact. This morning, I woke up at 7 ready to run errands thinking it was acutally a Monday only to fall asleep again and waking up an hour later thinking that it was actually Tuesday. So I got up, and went to sit on the sofa only to stone for an hour(without even realizing it) and then realizing that today was actually a Wednesday. Can you imagine the horror? Well, neither can I. I was as cool as a cucumber(couldn't get any cheesier than this hehs). I even took my own sweet time to get to school despite it already being 5mins past the starting of my lecture(and I was still at home despite of that).

AH FUCK! Just gonna roll with the punches.

2010-09-23T22:18:00.005+08:00

If there is one song to describe how things are for me right now, this would be it...

I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the

Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
Find my way back home
Cause I've been crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

2010-09-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

I guess if there's one thing to describe what's going through my head right now it would be messed up. I feel so restless when I should be at peace right now with myself. The neck sprain seriously isnt helping at all. And whatever that's "wrong" with me is just simply annoying.

Well, everyone was fine just now. Until that nincompoop of a student I have came over for tuition. I dont get it- no matter how many times I teach him the same concept over and over again, he just doesnt get. Well, sometimes he does, but only for 5 mins. Then after that, it'll be back to me teaching him over and over and over and over again. How can that not be frustrating. Fine, I can already here the "teachers-to-be"(and some wannabe teachers) sniggering away. But if you had a kid like that, it'll ruin your day no matter how good it gets at the end of it. And talking to him makes you feel that talking to the wall would land you in a fruitful and meaningful conversation. That's just how bad it is.

Well, im not with moe so he can't stop me from saying whatever I want about my students. I don't know what else to do with this one. His friends have already gone up to secondary school but he's still stuck in primary. I even taught his friend who happened to be in the foundation stream as well but has since gone from a basketcase to a fruit of basketcase(if you don't get it, you belong to the first category along with that nincompoop).

Ahhhh school. It is such a chore studying. Again, I don't think those across the bridge qualifies as part of this group. If you get paid to study, and then work in the exact same line of what you were taught, it isn't called being a student- that's what a trainee does. WE pay to do what we do. And we keep paying and paying. So there, in that sense, fears us into trying to excel- the operative word being "trying". Im hating this life already. It's like im leading a double life- working on the side for the money that I need badly. Working on the side...that sounds stupid on so many levels. It's always a meagre amount that I bring back everytime.

I'm just spewing out gibberish here because I am trying to make sense of what's going through my head right now. But no worries, there's no voice telling me to do anything- not yet anyway.

Eccentricism is used to describe only the rich. The poor are jsut insane

2010-09-12T16:16:00.000+08:00

Hari Raya this year is rather so-so for me. I don't really see the need to celebrate past the first day really. Hmm, maybe the meaning of this celebration has been lost to me. I can't really put a finger to it but if I was to take a shot it the dark, I'd say that I wasn't really looking forward to it.

I guess, the only thing that I felt yesterday was a huge sense of relieve. Gone are the days that I'd actually look forward to the auspicious day. Right now, I am rather indifferent to it. Heck, I'm in school to get all of my stuff printed out(and then worry if I actually have got the time to read them all). Time is really a luxury. School is seriously taking the best out of my optimism. I am slowly crossing over into being a pessimist. Perhaps, I am just a realist- it is neither half full, nor half empty; just drink the damn water and get yourself another one afterwards.

Slowly but sure, I think my passion for rugby is waning. Not that I am intentionally doing so but my injuries are just too overwhelming at times. On top of that, I have a team to manage and everything. Sometimes, managing the boys makes me feel like I am running a day care centre. But, I guess I am (barely)managing. Like I said, I didnt ask for the position. It was given to me. And when I am given the honor of such things, that means that I must have done something right(or perhaps not doing too much of the wrong stuff- either way).

Back to Hari Raya, my cousins are really the saving grace for yesterday. Catching up is the only thing that gives any meaning(or what is left) for the celebrations. Being able to talk about anything without having to hold...

[I got chased away from the library as it was almost closing time..i am continuing the next day]

..anyway, being able to talk to someone without the fear of any consequences(as there isn't any to begin with) is a luxury which you cannot find in just anyone. When has it been the instance that you can talk to someone without the fear that you might hurt their feelings or that you're really trying to humor them(and sometimes, the only humor they are getting is from laughing AT you). Chances are, those kind of people are one in a million. Sometimes, even our life partners are not the kind that we were hoping for them to turn out. So when we do find that kind of people, the likelihood of calling them our soulmate tends to be rather high. Well, everything does seem like a good idea at A point of time. But as the time goes by....

Anyway, my train of thought has been disrupted by stupid closing hours. Why can't the just keep certain places open 24 hours a day. Wouldn't that be a simpler way of creating more jobs instead of thinking of ideas to open up new places to create jobs? Just take the places that we already have and keep them running the entire day. Trade space for time, trade time for space- money is still being generated isn't it? Sheesh...wonder how these people get paid so much but are too afraid to come up with such ideas. So much so for a vibrant city where everyone's asleep at night...

With our thoughts, we make the world

2010-09-08T21:16:00.000+08:00

I think i've finally settled into the motion of the semester. How not to when the tides of change are just too overwhelming. Anyway, I've been putting on hold to writing what I really wanted to write since a few months back: relationships. It seems that each time that I actually am inspired to write about it, I'd be in bed tossing and turning like a salad(that is about to go bad). But when I am infront of the monitor, it all seems to dissapate. What luck.

It peeves me off that people comment about my thoughts but then leave no trail as to how I could actually correspond with them. What's worse is that they leave me one liners in criticizing my point of view(s) without any actually evidence(s). So, what's the point of commenting when you don't do either of that. If you are too ashamed of explaining yourself fully, then the least you could do is to make yourself contactable so that there is actually an avenue to correspond. If not, you might as well keep the comment(s) to yourself because it doesnt serve anyone any good. Well, unless you are that "someone" who I think you are, your comments are more than welcome on my space. But please, great minds do not get ejected out of the womb; it is created through the dialectic of two(or more) average minds who's intent is to better whatever that has been said.

Have some guts if you want to say something. If not, better not say it at all.

your ego's cashing cheques that your body can't cash

2010-09-03T12:07:00.000+08:00

Somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

The first week of school is rounding up and I have yet to get into the groove of a student's life once again. The holidays was well stretched. There was simply enough time for everything and for everything there was it's own pace. But with the semester beckoning, it seems like I have to rethink the pace of how things are going to be like. Looking through the course outlines, it seems like the thought of going through the semester is very very intimidating. Plus the mentioning of FYP scares the shit out of me(bye-bye constipation!). Wonder if it is still possible if I am able to take it all in my own stride.

Other than that, taking over as captain for the school team wasn't as easy as I thought it would be like. Now, I have responsibilities towards a bunch of grown-up babies with their own set of qualms about every single thing that you can(or cannot) think of. I don't think I can enjoy rugby like I used to. Now, I'd have to think of the team as well instead of just the game. Well, metting out the list of nominees for my exco probably lifted off some burden of my shoulders. I'd probably be delegating more from here on out with the team coming back together with the start of the semester.

I can't believe im just talking about how sucky my life can get. Right now, while doing this, I'm thinking about which readings I'd have to do so that I don't get left behind in class. I've got to seriously pull up my GPA after the fiasco that was last semester. I guess, all that drama was so intense that I was beginning to find it "entertaining". It was so "entertaining" that my TV has lost its purpose in the living room. It took more than 400 channels to surf on for me to using the TV for that purpose instead of being one.

Im not making sense. Guess my mind is all jumbled up with thoughts and worries. So is my heart. I'm not sure that this is the path that God wanted me to take 3 years back(or is it 2?). Life in the army would have been so much better as the career path laid out for me seems pretty tempting. Ahh...the operative word being 'tempting' means that it was a distraction for me. But anyway, that is the life that I do crave for. If one has gone through it, you would know. You either love it or hate it. Those who haven't, please dont even begin to imagine.

This brings me on to my next point. I just don't understand why those who did "NS" in the police of civil defence keeps dissing us boys in green. Sure you did "real" work. Well, truth be told, most of you are there because you can't don green for one reason or another(mainly political here). Ok ok...so you do do real work. But does that mean that it gives you anymore of a reason to say that because you do, us army boys are just "playing" around in the jungle?

An officer once told me, "Do you know why we are a strong country? It's because we have a strong military and therefore nobody wants to attack us. Don't believe what other people say about us not being tested. It's precisely because we are THAT strong that nobody wants to test us." That somehow comforted me.

This road to "manhood", from boys to men: NS. I have my own set of criteria if you want to claim to me that you already did your national service.
1) You've dug at least one shellscrape. If you can find an equivalent to this, then you're fine.
2) There was a time that you slept less 30mins for a period of staying awake for at lease 72 hours.
3) You thought you were actually in hell because you were tired, hungry, wet and cold but there was simply no way out(or still a long way out) of the situation.
4) You were married to something that was about a meter long.
5) Your weekends got constantly "burnt"
6) You've spent at least one major holiday in some foreign country far away from your family and have minimal contact with them

I guess I can only think of 6 criteria for now. If you were to say that you have already did your NS, I'd say you have to hit at least 4 out of 6(im being extremely lenient here), then I'd say that yes, you did your NS. So what's the moral of the story? Stop dissing. Without us, you police boys would have no thiefs to catch; they would all be already dead and so would you. Without us, you would have no station to house your fire engines because it would have probably be bombed out.

Mules are always boasting that their ancestors were horses

2010-08-23T04:08:00.001+08:00

Captaining a team at this level is really hard. So hard that I'm actually taking my time to sort things out even though there tons to be done. I miss those days when being the captain of the team simply meant that I was one of the better players in the team. Right now, I think I'm quite a distant away from even being a decent player. Honestly, I am still shell-shocked from te day they told me that I was going to be made captain of the team. I thought it was a joke or something but as it turns out, it was no joke at all. Well, even if I was hoping for a leadership post inside the team, the most would be vice-captain since I wasn't even one in the previous seasons.

some men desire greatness, but little do they realize that greatness often gets thrown to those who least expects it; much less even desire for it

That said, it's not a declaration of my resignation or anything remotely possible along those lines. But yeah, it was a lot easier in secondary school and JC when the teacher ran the show while I simply led the team on the field. In uni, I am to lead both and off the field. Right now, what I have to settle with the other unis is the date for this year's Singapore University Games tournament. They want to play on the Hari Raya weekend(WTF?!). I mean, try playing a tournament on the 2nd day of CNY or even a day after Christmas or on the New Year itself. If we can have tourneys on those days as well, that I'll gadly adhere to those dates set instead of making a big fuss about it. Till the, I'm going to be making one he'll of a noise.

Another thing that's giving me a headache is the player's commitment to the team. It seems that the older we get, the more childish we become. I mean, with the tourney date so near, why can't people just make their social plans around the days that we train. I didn't know twice a week of training is so hard to commit to. And the excuses(not reasons) that they come up with are simply intolerable. I mean if it's something that involves a problem in the family, that I guess that there isn't much of a choice. Bit still, if one was dedicated enough, they would have actually take the pains of planning if around training hours(which are really precious due the faggot YOG which makes the hours really limited). If they were me, they would have been ignorant of any other plans other than training. But they're not me and I'm not them. So, I'd have to (soon) suffer from high blood pressure thinking of sorting out these miscellaneous qualms that these babies come up wtih. I can't help but to think of myself kore as a baby sitter than a Rugby captain.

If there's one thing that I fear is that I fear i might be losing myself as player. The absence of a coach(has since been rectified) meant that I had to pull up the slack and take over. That also meant that I couldn't train. Well, I hope that all thaws blows over soon(quickly please) so that I'd be able to enjoy myself again with this game which I had picked up ever since I crossed the line of puberty.

2010-08-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

Wise words from something which people deemed to be just another game. It's from the movie really- Friday Night Lights. So far, there has yet to be another sports movie that kept me glued to the screen unlike this one. Well, if it is enough to spur me to write about something, I'd say it is one damn good of a movie. If it was in the theaters, any movie that doesn't put me to sleep is one that is worth your money.

You just-you ain't gettin' it. You don't understand. This is the only thing you're ever gonna have. Forever, it carries you forever. It's an ugly fact of life. Donnie, hell. It's the only fact of life. You got one year, one stinkin' year to make yourself some memories, son. That's all. It's gone after that. And I'll be damned if you're not gonna miss it.

No game is just a game. It is in fact, a fact of life. Nobody but the people in the team, or in the sport, can understand that. Spectators just don't get it. Nobody else does. Those teachers who would wonder why I'd be so upset about losing "just a match". Well, not just teachers, my friends as well. My family don't even understand why I keep doing it. I know it hurts for my parents to see their son coming home all injured after every game. Well, I'm still injured from last season but I am trying my best to cover it up and show them that I can be perfect.

I still remember all the important matches that I've lost. 2005, PJC vs CJC for the Plate Championship. It was crunch time and I just did not bring it into the game. The pressure was just too overwhelming. I looked in the faces of my team mates and they all gave me the same look- they were looking to find hope in me. I looked to the crowds to see any familiar faces that might calm me down- I found none. So, I crumbled that day- the day which I can never forget.

People around me kept telling me, that it's alright. It was just a game; life goes on. Fact is, how do you look into the eyes that you have failed and telling them the same thing? For many, that was probably the last time they played any rugby. Sure as hell wasn't a good way to mark a chapter of your life by crapping out at the finals. I have yet to be at peace with myself with that game. I don't know why when the pressure builds up, I am just not there when everyone needs me the most. I am not there myself when I need myself the most. It didn't help that I lost whatever I've trained over the months to some random illness just 2 weeks before that day. It's like this fucking daze that I'll be in and no matter how much I try to shake myself out of it, it just doesn't go away.

That daze put me on the spot twice last season. During the Singapore University Games, at the finals, the last few moments of the finals, I crapped out again and found myself in a daze. I tried to shake myself out of it, to be there for my team mates, to be perfect- but the more I shook, the dizzier I got. I was fumbled. We lost that one. That same night, I got dumped.

The University Championship, I crapped out again. Dazed as ever when all season, all I ever wanted to achieve was perfection. Which I did! I've never felt so good about myself (only to be brought down every now and then by some emotional guilt trip that I'll be put under) as each game I blazed through and surpassed all expectations. But in that finals, I just couldn't find it in me to be perfect. So I dug deep. It was only when I was deep enough that I found myself again. Alas it was all too late as the final whistle blew to seal the fate of that game.

Somehow, I was looking to find a familiar face in the crowds to comfort me. I just don't know why I did it but I did. My team depended on me, and I crumbled as I depended on a familiar face which couldn't be found.

Nobody can truly understand this because you have yet to go through such a moment. Any games involving sticks belongs to the nursery room. At most, a pool table. Rugby; football(American football that is) are the only games that can ever ignite anyone's emotions, feelings and even intelligence(give a professor a boxing glove and I'll be able to beat hip good with my bare hands). Besides that, it's because I have went through it time and time and time again.

Those are the moments which one never forgets. Because I know that I won't be playing this game forever. And some point, I will be stopping. My knee and shoulders are already begging me to stop. But I cant go out like this. I have 2 more years to make some damn good memories of this game. I've got to remember how it felt like to be champions just like in 2001. I need to be addicted to that feeling. My days are numbered. I wonder if my team mates realize that.

We're in the business of winning.

2010-07-29T09:09:00.001+08:00

It's been a longggggggggggggg longgggggggggggggg time since I wrote anything here(I just had to emphasize on that). The holidays are almost up and I feel that it somehow isn't being fully utilized in a sense that I have yet to go anywhere. Almost 4 months of holidays and the furthest I've been to would be JB. Then again, do I really need to be going anywhere? Late nights..slack hours..work whenever I want to(super flexible hours!)..do whatever I want...well the list goes on really. It's really just me lazing around and not caring about anything at all. Save for a couple of things.

I have recently realized something about myself. When the going gets tough, the tough disappears. Recently, I've taken over the school's rugby team. So now, I actually have 2 things that I have to manage...unpaid! Besides the qualms that the grown-up babies (aka my NSmen) are giving me, I'd have to settle the ones with the team as well. A lot of times, when I feel that it's getting too much, I'd just lay in stasis and not do anything about it. They'd keep pounding me for something but I'd just not bother about it and move on.

Truth be told, those are merely examples of my withdrawals. Like in an attack, when you fear that your forces are getting to disorganized, withdraw to reorganize before mounting another attack. That way, you won't be overwhelmed by the ferocity of your enemies and also the rapid dissolution of your own forces. Well, Sun Tzu taught me that. I guess, that's how I really am. Could that possibly explain my lackluster for the previous semester? I mean, the anger carried me through well during the first part of it. But after losing the finals, I felt that it was all to overwhelming and so I retreated to this safe spot where I just couldn't be bothered about anything.

The thing is, no matter how much you encourage me to do something, I simply won't be bothered. I set my own pace. People who have tried to pace me in my runs have found out about that. Many have been frustrated about me and my "tantrums" that they would just leave me behind. Some have even found out that they were overtaken by me eventually towards the end. So i guess, the more I am forced to something, the more I will force myself to the exact opposite. I guess, a little bit of encourage does work sometimes. But the best motivation has to come from within. If you'd know how to activate that, I'd say you'll be ruling a country anytime soon. Right now, I'm just ruling the pitch. Who knows?

Right now, I'm glad only those two things are on my mind. Working is a priority. I'd still want to get myself a new bike. It's really time to let go of this one. It's old and sickly. God knows who much i've spent on this bike time and time again...just because I choose to take it easy on the road(I don't know why some people claim that I've one devil on the road when they choose to go that slowly). Well, lets wait till school starts. I guess, that's where the madness really begins. If I am able to graduate, I think, I might be qualified to work in a circus as a professional juggler. That, or something else other than teaching. Teaching would be the super last resort(and that would be after 6 months of being jobless).

I guess there's nothing much that I would like to write at the moment. Believe me, I have tons to write about here! Just that I am not in the right mood to write anything yet. Perhaps, soon that mood will come to me and I'd be blabbering my way thru for my own writing pleasure, and your reading pleasure(can you make that sentence sound dirty? I can!)

The any reason to doing anything is because I can, that's why

2010-07-17T22:42:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. a lot has been happening since I last wrote anything. Again, I haven't found the muse to write anything here. Each time I thought of something to write, I would forget about it completely by the time I get to a computer.

So I guess I'm going to keep it short and sweet by writing out what happened so far...here we go.
1) I've been made captain of the school team so God help me now.
2) I'm still waiting for my TP. It's about a month away and I've already completed all my practicals.
3) I've found someone who would rubbish with me (:
4) I'm earning from 3 different sources now
5) I've already got a bike in mind
6) I've got nothing in my mind now

So there you go. Short and sweet. Just like me. Minus the short part that is.

2010-07-08T12:24:00.000+08:00

As a kid, I never knew of this thing called death until my grandfather passed away when I was only 5. I didn't know how to deal with that as a kid so I did what any other kid would do when they meet other kids- play. More than a decade later, my cousin passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. I still didn't know how to react to that. To me, I just felt empty- emotionless.

Perhaps that is the way I grieve. Rather, perhaps that is how things are since I do not have a lot of fond memories with them. I was too young to know my grandfather that well. By the time I was conscious of my being, my grandmother had already suffered a couple of strokes enough to impair her cognitive and communication skills. The only memory I have of my cousin was the numerous times we would visit him in the hospital(I wrote something about family gatherings and hospitals last year) due to the strange illness that he was suffering from. Thankfully, God saw how HE could no longer make him suffer and decided to end it all for him. I guess, the same went for my grandparents as well.

The only memories that I have about my grandparents all came from what my parents told me- how much they would dote on me and my elder brother despite being the trouble that we were. We're still troublesome but on different levels: nobody really bothers about the trouble that my brother makes because it only affects the environment on a personal level. Mine, on the other hand, well, let's just say that it is capable of so much more(on a good note that is).

It's been 3 years since I left that camp. People always say that that camp is haunted; that it is cursed. I can't help but to believe it now. 5 deaths so far. All of whom which I've come know on a rather personal level with the exception of one. All these deaths occurred after we ended our journey of 2 years. Well, I only joined them halfway through but it seems like an entire lifetime has taken place in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that the recent news is really affecting me. I can't help but to feel sad...really sad. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotions perfectly- all gloomy and down. He was really a great soldier. To him, come what may. It was only a month ago since I last saw all my men. To sum the whole thing up, I've never felt more whole in my entire life before. Green completes me. That's all there is to me. People may have their opinions about how shitty life can be in the green. Or how the "Organization" (or whatever it is that they've decided to term it) is very shitty. Well, show me one Organization or Service or whateveritisthatyoucallit that isn't shitty. Right now, I strongly believe, that there is none that is without its flaws. Sometimes, you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To revert from digressing, my men are all amazing people. They are the best soldiers that I've come to know. So what if they're not Spec Ops or anything of that sort. It's really their attitudes that made me believe that there are good in people. So much so for labeling them as "trash of society".

It's really no point wishing that something like that had happened because it already did. Right now, he's already being cremated. Funny how a person ends up being just ashes at the end of his life. However it shall be his memory that we carry on with us that makes him who he was and who he really is. He will be missed. As I quote a friend, "Fight with you again some day. Wait for us." That we shall see. The company shall make it happen. We're really good at it- making the unimaginable happen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.

2010-06-27T22:26:00.001+08:00

I seriously want to write about something. But nothing seems to come to my mind right now. I'm not disgruntled. I'm not angsty or anything. Guess, that's what happiness does to me. I've got no muse for me to write anymore. Inspiration seems to only hit me in the moment of anger, in my moment of anguish, in my moment of bla bla bla.

I guess I should be heading out more and observing a lot more than I should else whatever I'm writing, might seem very gay even for my own tastes.

Funny isn't it? Angst breeds inspiration. Well, that's how it is for me anyway. Usually, it breeds contempt for many. It's like saying that if a driver was to run a red light, he might just win $200 and getting an extra 12 points instead of being fined $200 and having 12 points being taken away from him(or her if you wish to).

There is no denying that I am one weird person. No, I shall not use the word unique to describe myself because that is just too politically correct. It's like calling someone short vertically challenged. There is nothing challenging the short dude. He is just short. Calling him vertically challenged is stupid because it's like saying that gravity is preventing him from growing any taller. Well, I guess in that case, gravity is his challenger then. Yeah, it's stupid altogether still.

I guess this green eyed monster is really a human condition. One can never be truly happy for others if they are not part of the celebration. I guess this happiness breeds contempt. Perhaps this is the one resource that is truly low in supply. And hence, we have to do tradeoffs. After all, it is the one thing that when one has it, the other doesnt. Low in supply but high in demand means that there is a heavy price to pay for happiness. It doesnt come cheap. And im not just talking about financially. The soul takes a heavy beating from the acquiring of this. Especially the soul. And this burden translates into other things like money. Do the math. It all works out to what I just said.

Alas, that is the cause of all misery on earth. Funny this business. Ironically, it is called happiness.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

2010-06-25T11:08:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been rather hectic. I'm always dashing from one place to another. Wonder if that makes me make dashing as a person. Hehs. Anyway, it's always the vase that when I have something good to write about but just am not in the mood for it. Either that or that muse has taken a vacation too. Truthfully I'd usually write when I have qualms about something. If I were to e seething with rage, I'd usually end up being something that is written about instead of the writer.

Right now, i guess I'm somewhere in between those 2 extremes as I'm trying to teach this one particular kid the "wonders" of fraction. It's now been 3 months and he is still not getting it. I've tried various methods(all of which has since work for all my other students) but this one doesn't even seem to be able to comprehend instructions. It's like talking to a wall except that even walls produces echoes. At the end of every session wight this kid, I'd usually head out for a puff or two(usually a lot more than that) just to calm myself down else I'd be the hottest topic in the local news.

I know I know, some of you(you know who you are) is just going to say that I'm no teacher or that im a really poor one. Guess what? You're prolly right. I am no teacher. With the standard of people being recruited dropping way below par (way way below) who wants to become a teacher? I'm merely an educator albeit a private one who makes just as much money as a full timer doing 1/4 of his job. I guess, maybe I could turn this into full time thing for myself. I mean the hours are great and I could choose whoever I want to teach and at what time. If I'm gettig an average of 30 bucks for every kid per week, I could be making 300 if I get 10 of those per week. If I get 20 it'd be $600. If I get 40 it'd be $1200 per week. And that's how many students each teacher has to deal with but they're earning just as much whilst having to take on other shitty duties as well. I wonder if the ministry is getting a hint as to why the turnover rate is so damn high. (i'll give you a hint. Hire quality and pay more. That's how you retain them (;

Enough of that nincompoop. Ever since getting a lisence, all I ever want to do is drive. Poor supermassiveblackhole has been largely forsaken due to this sudden that have. So it's been random pickings for me on the things that I haven driven so far. I know this sounds a lot like unnecessary gloating largely because it is. Hahah! Okay..so far Its been a Kelisa, a Wish, a Rush, a van and even a lorry. It's really a random bunch of vehicles. I'm still craving of tearing it up on the tracks in a Lancer, a diablo and a couple of the series that Ferrari has came out with. And oh yes, I'd really like to tear it up I. The streets in a Mustang. That car is pure power.

But I'd still would want to drive/ride around the world. I would especially want to take part in the Dakar. That is one awesome race.

I've ran out things to write. Just a bit more and I'll be done with this kid.

Only when you've been left waiting for hours just to see the doctor do you discover the try meaning of being a patient

2010-06-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

The past couple of weeks has been quite a rollercoaster for me. Although, there has been quite a lot more highs than lows so I can't be compared to the milk brand since it emphasizes on a balance of highs and lows.

Reservist has been rather something. What I wanted to talk about that entire week's went has somehow sedimentend into the far corner of my brain right now. Also, the OSA says that I can't be talking much about it publicly. I guess the only good thing about that was that I got to meet with old buddies whom I would have prolly never met if not for the intertwining of fates that the system forces onto us all. Also, the promotion came along jus in time just so that everyone would be able to differentiate me from the rest thus making my job somewhat easier. The best part of it would be conversations I would have on the phone before retiring for the day(only having to wake up a few hours later for a brand new day long after everyone else has slept). I guess it's those conversations that would keep me going for the rest of the day no matter how bad things seem to get. I am missing those phone conversations so badly right now. Just a couple more days till we'd get to hold those conversations again and I just can't wait!! Shall be patient or else I'll be a patient.

It seems that the moment I get down to actal writing, whatever that I've scribbled in my mind seems to dissapate into thin air. And no, I do not want to be scribbling them onto a notepad because I do not find the pleasure of writing on a piece of paper. I would rather belt everything out on a keypad. Guess, whatever poetry I had in on in my mind thins out with each second of delay.

Just left with the obstacle of the weekend till that special someone gets back from her trip and then we'd be able to set out on a path of creating our very own supermassiveblackhole. :D

2010-06-16T08:47:00.002+08:00

It's really sickening this human nature. Is it really true that God created us hating each other equally to the point that it wrenches their heart when they see someone else happy?

2010-06-09T22:22:00.002+08:00

bittersweet; sweeterbit

2010-06-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

It's been months since the unthinkable happened and it's sad to say that it still affects me one way or another. Results from last semester says alot about how affected I actually am though my actions speaks otherwise. Honestly, Im getting tired from this act that I'm putting on. I have accepted that it has already happened. I have fought with every single means that I can come up with but things remained the way it has. The unthinkable remains a reality. Not a day goes by without me waking up wishing it was just a bad dream. But as reality starts to sink in as I gradually gain conscious from my slumber, all I ever want to do is to turn over and fall sink into more slumber.

It is right for you to say that I sound loserish in every single way. Friends have seen how I would keep myself occupied just to get along. I've been biting my tongue to the point of near severance. I do appreciate the advice that was given. But in every single way, I can only appreciate the advice since my situation can only be empthatized at most. In no manner is my situation similar to others as are the situation of others are similar to mine. Because if it did, we would all be calling it taxation. Pity that we don't.

The fact that I have talked almost every single person away. Bridges that have been attempted to be built are quite rickety from what I have to share. So I have stopped sharing altogether. Even when I do share, it is done with caution for fear that the new bridge might end up riddled with instability thus consequentially causing it to collaspe. There is only one thing left in the world that I care about and that is me caring the fact that I do not care at all.

I've been riding harder and harder each and everytime with musings from Muse blasting from my iPod as each turn, each corner becomes more fluid from the previous ones. You can't really call it recklessness since each one has been calculated and taken with full of reck. It is not with complete disregard as I do take into account of other commuters on the road; just not this one.

Each day is taken with a fuck-if-I-care attitude. As long as others are happy, then I can be happy for others. I guess the pursuit of happiness has ceased to exist as I have yet to find any meanings in all of this. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. I would gladly taken the chance to empty out this void if I could actually afford to. So, my bucket list remains unchecked. Thoughts of me taking a sabatical are met with fierce resistance- and that is just from my friends. I can sense that my parents share the same sentiments so no point sharing that with anyone anymore.

They say that time heals all wounds. I wish I could find out who "they" are and tell them off. If there is only one thing that time does to anyone is that it actually hardens them up. Nothing more nothing less.

Right now, there is nothing more that I want to do other than to don the beret. That was the one thing that has given me any purpose. The day that I was enlisted was simple the best day of my life. Nevermind the fact that there were simply so many setbacks that I had to overcome such as the 3 worst days of my life which I had to endure. Back then, no matter how FUBAR things might get, I'd always know that there was an end point. Alas, that was merely a tryst that I had before I was thrown back to the gaping jaws of reality. Those 2 years now seems like it all happened a lifetime ago.

I guess the only way to really get the old me back was to bring me back to that life once again. The samurai maxim of "fall down 7 times stand up 8" is having a hard time to be proven true. Maybe I will someday because right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than an oncoming train.

Melanchony does funny things to me. I guess I'd just have to wait it out over the weekend to see if I am just as awesome as I was before in my "past-life".

The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single
step; and a lot of bitchin'

2010-06-02T00:35:00.000+08:00

A recent conversation with a friend of mine brought up the question, "What is normal?". We take our norms so taken for granted that we tend to classify everything else as a deviance or not normal. We forget that what is normal actually exists out of something from somewhere. It is a classification that we ourselves made exist.

Firstly, heterosexuality. If it is so normal, then, how come we need so many laws just to enforce it? It's just like saying that you would be jailed/fined just for believing that things could fall upwards into the sky( I'm talking about the laws of gravity here by the way). Gravity is so natural, yet it has no laws to enforce it. Yet, we tend to claim that heterosexuality is natural even though there are probably so many laws just to enforce it's "naturalness". The recent debate in parliament about the repeal of Charter 377(A) should make for a good case in point here. So is heterosexuality/homosexuality normal?

How about intersex or hermaphrodites then? They are often seen as an anomaly. Yet, about 1 out of 2000 babies are born with both genitalia. Just take an entire primary school and there's tend to be an intersexed kid in that population. So how? Are you going to be treating that kid as some sort of a monster? Many would heave a sense of relieve by saying, "thank god of medical advances!" But really, have you ever tried talking to one of those kids? Have you ever seen the kind of pain they would have to go through just to fit in? Just to be "normal"?

Then we came upon the topic about the handicapped. Why are they called handicapped in the first place? Is it just because we think that they can't compete with us on a "normal" basis? Fuck! If so, then there would be so many "handicapped" people out there since they are not able to compete with me in my own field. Hell, I'd be termed as a handicapped too since I can't compete with a lot of people in their own field. Why can we just treat them as per normal? I can hear so many people saying that, "oh no! But we are not able to understand them!!". So, is it their fault that you are not able to understand them? Not exactly. It is your fault for not being able to comprehend them. Just like what you teachers always tell you whenever you fail badly for the comprehension section of your English paper, " You failed because you failed to comprehend the passage/questions."

1/1000 kids are born with down syndrome. 1/1000 kids are born with autism. There are more than 40 Million blind people in the world any day. It's higher for the deaf. And i'm referring to 1/1000 born with any kind of those traits on a daily basis. YEAP! Daily basis! So how can we treat them as not "normal" when it is perfectly clear that they are? I mean, if you want to take the argument of "majority" into play here, then, doesn't that quite make the cut too?

What's more saddening is that the only thing most of us wants to offer is pity because we feel that God has been unfair by making them that way. Remember all those "advertisements" for donations and all and the use of these people just to garner more support through guilting us all into it? That's just plain terrible! If were to offer anything, it should be unconditional love. I mean, no child can ever grow up into a wholesome person with nurturing. Pitying doesn't equate to nurture because one can only pity for so much; for only so long. Loving however doesn't seem to go out of style.

I guess, this is the main cause of conflicts round the world: the battle for normality. I said its a stupid and useless fight. Rather than forcing the change, why can't we just accept the change and make the best of it all? Wouldn't that make everything and everyone better off?

I realize that there are a lot of shortcomings in what I've written. Plus, I am prepared to receive any sort of criticisms here. But that's only because I've once again lost my train of thoughts so am not able to fully express my thoughts here. Well, whatever it is, I mean well (and also, I am not Gay to begin with just to be sure).

So, lets begin to ask ourselves this question: What is normal?

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal

2010-06-01T00:23:00.000+08:00

After close to 3 months of not playing rugby, I've finally decided to show up for the training tonight. It was no Padang. The view was all too crappy; we were in Little India after all. Who ever thought of building a clubhouse which doesn't even have a decent parking spot? Traffic was horrendously ridiculous as well. But the chance upon a familiar face before that makes the smashing through peak hour traffic all too insignificant. Plus, it was high time that I showed the young boys a thing or two about rugby. Despite smoking as much as a pack a day, i was still able to zip pass everyone at 100 miles per hour! Who would have thought? Haha

The thing about rugby is that it is the only thing that has been going on for me for over 10 years. When i first picked up the sport in Sec 1, I didn't actually imagine myself playing till this very day. Most of those who started out with me has since stopped playing for one reason or another. Even after dislocating both shoulders, hairline fractures in a lot of places, a mild concussion, ankles which cannot sprain anymore since they've been sprained and twisted so many times before plus having my foot smashed in by own teammate in the last season, I guess I'm still going strong with it.

Well, it's not like I'm some superstar of tha game or something. Well, I'd actually tell
my coaches that I'm THE supersub should I get bench. Twice when I was benched, I scored tries and actually turn the tide of the game. Yea, I
know I'm just plainly gloating righ now. Well, rubbing your own ego every now and then doesn't harm anyone does it?

My friends have always asked me this question, "why do you still keep playing?". Moat of the time, I would just tell them that it is the first love of my life. Until somebody comes along, that shall continue to be at the top of the list. Yes, I do realize that it COULD be detrimental to me, right now, it's one of those things that keeps me going. With the things that has been happening over the past few months, rugby sure did help alot. Having a limit anger meant that I had all the strength I needed. Never had I tackled like how I did in the last season. Well, let's just say I kinda plan to keep things that way for now.

Well, those happenings seemed to have affected my grades as well. Now, I have to work doubly hard just so that I can hopefully graduate as one of those few in class. I can only pray (:

2010-05-30T11:46:00.000+08:00

I think this has got to be the best weekend I have ever had in such a long time. Guess now I'm hell bent on getting my own car seeing how convenient things can really get with one. Time to sort my finances out before that can happen I guess.

Well, picking up something new is something (for the lack of a better thing to say). Never thought I would ever do ice-skating in my entire life. Yes yes hence the question, "what have you been doing for the past 23 years of your life?". Honestly, I have no idea. Guess my life had been pretty mundane so far. But this reinvention of myself seems to be working for me- testing out my limits and set out for new possibilities.

But such ambitions do have it's consequnces. Being a worry-what doesn't help that much either. I really can't help it but to think of the consequences of my actions through. It's like an innate thing that dwells within me. Could be a good thing because that would mean me punching every single nincompoop who annoys me(eg walking so slowly infron of me, talking so slowly on the phone and the works).

But at the same time, that could be a bane as well as it prevents me for putting everything I have in it and not caring about if I crash out. Last night would be fine example. And yes, I do envy those kids who are not afraid of falling down or wiping out. Prolly one of the reasons why being childish could be good as well(in a positive connotation that is).

Also, the conversations that happened lately were about one central theme: how do you figure out if the person is the one? How does one determine if that is the person whom you want to be spending the rest of your life with? For me, like everything else, I'd go with my gut feeling. Right now, a song from The Kooks would really come in with strong relevance. Haha!

Anyway, this gut feeling comes to of a great importance for me. After all, if one doesn't feel right with doing something, it might not turn into a right most of the time. On the hindsight, it could a delayed reaction towards getting the "right" feeling.

But how does one differentiate between "the one" and "the next one?". I guess most of us do not have a list penned out or thought off yet. For me, I still think that it has been predetermined. That said, without effort, we can never get to that predetermined destination but rather remain stagnant. As the saying goes, one fill something one needs when one isn't even looking for one at all.

Right now, i've lost my train of thought as the effects of the awesome weekend is dawning on me. I stupidly left my charger in the school, my left knee is hurting and I'm feeling rather sian that that's over. Shall set up for more things to look forward to I guess?

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along

2010-05-28T09:52:00.000+08:00

After so many years since I stepped into a club, I finally convinced my friends to go bring me to one. Stepping in into one reminded me why it has been years since I've ever stepped into one: It's just not for me. `I guess I'm kinda uptight and all. A couple of hours in and I decided to go with the flow. Felt a whole lot better after all that.

It was interesting really to notice the crowd. From the haircut, I could tell that the boys are all probably still serving National Service with the highest rank being a cadet. The girls on the other hand are quite something. It was quite dark with light strobes running all over the place so I couldn't really tell about the girls except when we were suddenly surrounded by them.

I can tell I won't be going there anytime soon unless 1) I am dragged into going or 2) There's an event which I have to attend. Loud music is for me to listen when I'm on the road. Last I ever had strobe lights were meant to confuse me so that my shots would be off target. And hmm..I'm just plain uptight.

I need to loosen up a little. 2 more years till I graduate and the grades are still stagnating where they exactly were when in my first semester. And I thought they were supposed to be gradually increasing.

I guess it's a spillover of whatever happened the previous semester. Time heals all wounds is simply rubbish. If anything, it can only make you forget. Other than that, the wound is still there, just no visible enough for us to take much notice of it. But we all manage. But is that really the best that we can do?

For me, I choose to reinvent myself. After all, if I let others plan my life, there's really going to be nothing much going on since they have got nothing much planned for me. I suppose that's why I wanted to go clubbing last night. See if that would suit the "new" me. After all, after 10 years of playing rugby and mix and mash of several martial arts, it is time for me to slacken a little bit and enjoy life's parties.

However, clubbing isn't really for me after all. I guess, I'm going to stick with the chillaxing kind of fun? I still want to drive/bike around the world. Though with restricted finances, it'll probably around Asia at most for now. But in a couple of months time, I'm thinking of taking the train up north and see where the train ride takes me. And no, I am not talking about going to Hogwarts or taking the MRT. That sure does ought to be something.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

2010-05-26T02:24:00.000+08:00

Whoever said that smoking is bad for a person simply has no sense of being. Of all things that can bind people together, two tops the list: over a cigarette or over a drink. That said, I do not mean things literally because doing so might just win you the Jackass of the Year award even though we are only a quarter of the way through the year.

I mean sure it can be detrimental to your health. Then again, what isn't? Even something as "healthy" as going for a walk can be detrimental if you overdo it. I am not suggesting moderation here nor am I not not suggesting it. I am not suggesting anything. All I am saying that too much of something kills, too little of it kills too. Find the perfect balance (of High and Low).

That said, I made a couple of new friends over smokes (while waiting for my friends to arrive to watch Ro Bin Hood). A stranger asking for a light ended up in a light conversation of how the system is screwing PRs like him. A few minutes later, another uncle came and ask for a light. And the conversation picked up from there. In the world of smoking(or drinking for that matter), there are no such thing as strangers.

What is a stranger? A person that you don't know? A person that doesn't know you? Truth be told, nobody knows every single person that lives on this island country of ours. WE just assume that there are over 5million people living here. We are so certain of this that we do not stop to ask ourselves, "Are there really 5 million people?". We just assume that they exist though we have NEVER (and it'll probably stay that way) that there are indeed 5 million people.

If so, what if we met someone for the first time but can be engaging in a conversation as if we've known them for years on end. It was as if that the meeting was just like the previous ones even though there are no previous ones. How does one explain that? I am curious about that myself.

On a different note, I've been having rather strange dreams lately. It's recurrence is so high that it is not strange to me anymore. Every night its the same thing over and over again. I'll be either fighting something or someone. But last night's was particularly weird. Everything was so vivid. The pain of getting shot felt real. The weight of the pistol I carried felt real. So was the recoil of each shot. And the pain of losing the people that I truly care about felt real too.

It was like this: during the conflict, I lost track of my family members. So I accessed the database to search for them. Each search yielded the exact response: KIA. WTF! Everything felt very real. I saw the faces of the people in my dream. Even the most veteran soldier that I know of in the SAF was in it. The exasperated look on his face says it all: All hope is lost.

I don't know why Im writing all of this but yeah I am. hahahaha! Okay, apparently, I have lost track of what I really wanted to say so yeah.

If all is not lost, then where is it?

2010-05-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished.

We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football.

Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?

-From Any Given Sunday

2010-05-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

Boredom got the better of me as I googled my night away after a rather awesome day with my secondary school mates. Things just never gets old with them. Anyway, I was searching for meaning of things and I decided to google the meaning of my name as well. I don't know how accurate it could be but on certain points, I kind of agree with what it says. Let's see.

Your first name, Fadzil, makes you independent, resourceful, practical, and patient.
This could have some truth to it. But I guess only others could tell if I really am like that? Independent? My parents seems to think so since they trusted me with the most dangerous thing that any parent wants their child to do: Own a bike. Resourceful? Perhaps. People have found out that they don't really need to know how I do it, just that they have to request for it and there is a high possibility that they might just get it (:. Practical? Sometimes I can not be practical about things. But most of the time, I'd do things if they are within my means. If not, screw it! Patient? Hmm...it really does take A LOT to piss me off (even just a little).

You could be inventive along scientific or technical lines
I really should have taken that offer by NP 7 years ago. Who knows, I might be in MIT right now or something hehs. Well, I do tend to improvise on things rather quickly. Can be quite handy around the house but only when I'm in the mood for it.

Although you are not naturally spontaneous in musical or artistic expression, you can develop technical proficiency along these lines
I think I CAN pick up on things rather quickly. Just a little bit of time and a little bit of patience and I can learn new things quickly. Hmm..maybe I should consider acting? HA!

You are fussy about details and seek perfection in whatever you undertake
Information is what runs everything. But I'm not sure if I really am a perfectionist. I mean, I'll take pains and measures not to let something screw-up whatever I have planned. But a perfectionist? Though I have received comments that I am quite a perfectionist, I have doubts on that myself.

Being somewhat wilful and skeptical, you learn best through your own experiences and seek proof though facts
In other words, I can be very stubborn on somethings. I don't take what people advise me on rather easily. If it's trouble that I am heading towards to, I'd rather head towards that trouble just so that I can really feel the full effects of the consequences.
In other words, I can be quite distrustful of people as well. When there's something that needs to be done, I'd rather do it myself. I guess that's really a bane for me.

You work best alone, making your own decisions, and learning from your own experiences
In the Army, I have demonstrated quite a number of times that I work best alone. A one man army, The Unit Man, etc. In JC, I took the running of the team into my own hands- relegating everyone else from running it. I felt that the outcome was still rather good. Isn't this kind of the same as the previous point?

Despite your loyalty to friends, your communication at times is stilted, too candid, and frank
Does this mean that people do not take me seriously at times? Maybe because they're my friends that I am like that because when I am serious, nobody will like me. Seriously. Even I don't like myself when I am serious. I am dead serious about this! Hahah

The name Fadzil creates the urge to be creative and original, but we point out that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details
Am I really that niau? Like I said, I don't want anything to screw up. Not if I can help it.

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses centring in the head, and in the stomach and intestinal organs
A psychology professor told me the same thing before! Exactly the same thing! He says that when I'm out to achieve something, I tend to neglect everything else; everything else being my own health and stuff like that.

Well, I don't know how true this all could be. Then again, it takes someone to know me well enough to actually be able to say anything about this. Well, if you ever want to try it out, do visit www.kabalarians.com (: Maybe that will give you an insight to your own name. DO share it with me once you've find out.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where the should be. Now put the foundations under them

2010-05-20T09:46:00.001+08:00

Everything happens for a reason doesn't seem to stick well with many. I used to believe it with such furor that I was fatalistically fatalistic. But over time, as naivety wore off, I grew a lot wiser (though still no wisdom teeth). I guess, whatever is happening over the past few months have made me someone different. Like I've said before, I am reinventing myself. Some might not like it because to some, it might be because they can never have what I want to have- a really good life.
It's really not fair for someone to instigate the whole thing and then having to blame someone else for it just so that they don't feel so bad to begin with.

And once again, I've digressed. Anyway, everything is to be taken with a pinch of salt because if you grab a handful, you're just going to die of high-blood pressure. In other words, it's going to kill you from the inside. I remember in JC when friends ask me, "Why are you so uppity most of the time when we are all stressed (from studying for the A levels)?" My answer was classic. I told them that everything happens for a reason. Whatever happens was probably meant to happen anyway. IF I was meant to pass my A levels and head on to JC I definitely would. If I wasn't supposed to head off into that direction, no amount of effort can change that. Not even if I cracked my head a thousand times over. Not even if I had to stay in JC for four years. Not even if re-took my A levels many times over. In that way, I believed that life has been pretty much scripted. We are merely passengers going along for the ride.
It also provided for a good excuse to be continue playing rugby all the way till the last match which was on the weekend before the first paper *sniggers*

That said, fatalism used to run deep within me. Army changed all that for me. It was only at that point of time when I was in SISPEC that I learned that I had to use effort to grow. Fatalism didn't run well with the instructors. Though feedback came hard and dry, I could see that my effort affected the lives of others. It somehow made life bearable then. For those who have no idea what SISPEC means: Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement. Yeap! But effort on my part and everybody else's really made life bearable and even enjoyable then. When I went into my unit, I transferred that into my men as well. I don't know if I am the only Sergeant who punished his men for taking their own sweet time to book out. But I really pressed them into putting in effort as well and then help them translate that effort into rewards.

Oh, by the way, that only started in SISPEC because in BMT, I would work my butt off everyday but I still(like many other hopeful young boys), were not selected for OCS.
I could still remember the disappointment that my platoon mates expressed when I told them that I wasn't going to be joining them at OCS

So university started and I thought, lets try it here as well. Despite the naysayers who's been continually telling me that it was really no point that I try so hard because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. I guess, naysayers are all part of life. Then again, I do get a sense of satisfaction from wanting to prove others wrong. So far, that has worked out pretty well for me.

Then again, everyone is treading between the two extremes: not trying at all and trying too hard. Just doing enough is hard. This has nothing to do with doing everything within moderation but putting in the right amount of effort to effect change. Too little or too much, and you might just end up with how Bangkok is right now- in a state of emergency.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Everyday, we are just rolling with the punches and deal with changes the best we know of. That said, it is not all that bad. Because if whatever is meant to happen, happens then I can assure you that it happens for a good reason. Sometimes, our mind and heart is too convoluted to see that reason at the moment. But, not everything comes at once. It's been weaved into our lives one at a time. Like what George Bernard Shaw once said, "Time is this thing that prevents everything from happening at the same time." I don't think anyone is able to handle that. Imagine having stomach ache and feeling hungry at the same time. I wonder how that feels like.

to be believed, make the truth unbelievable

2010-05-19T00:20:00.002+08:00

2010-05-18T17:03:00.000+08:00

Heroes get remembered; Legends Never Die

Training starts now. Rugby season is just around the corner. On top of that, I've got reservist coming so I've got to be in tip top shape. It's just too bad that I'm just a part time soldier (although, it really seems that I'm a part time student instead), because being full time soldier can only mean consistent top shape for me.

Reading, listening, watching about special soldiers has only made me crave more to be part of that special group. Someone special. That's all that I want to be. Train with the best, fight with the best and therefore, I will be the best. I just got to find out that they do accept applications from NSmen. Guess I'm going to ramp up my fitness and try to apply again. Hopefully, my application goes through this time around. After application, then I can think about selection and so on after that. Sure the money isn't that good. It's a chance of a lifetime. And I only have one opportunity at everything. Then again, I could always try to live forever OR die trying.

Injuries that I've incurred over the past season seems to be following me into this season. Dislocated shoulder(the other one almost dislocating), knee injuries, a squashed foot (no it is not a fruit juice), a strained hip flexor and probably a million and one things are still haunting me. It really sucks because that means I am not able to put in my maximum effort without fear that my body might just give way. However, being the stubborn kid I was(still am), I shall push through and smash through. After all, A life lived as a sheep is a life not worth living. A life lived as a Lion is a life worth living no matter the consequences

I am no hero in what I do. But I shall be a Legend

2010-05-17T02:54:00.000+08:00

What seemed like a dingy weekend turned to be quite swell. Taking chances and just being rand can actually turn out to be a really good thing afterall. That used to be my mojo. Slowly but surely, I guess I am rediscovering that once more. It's pretty no holds bar this time around. Even though there were no wild parties involved, I think I'm rather pleased with all that has happened so far. Well, actually, it's a 3 months and 2 weeks weekend for me due to the extended summer vacation thanks to some YOG thing going on. I'm not complaining, well not yet anyway since I haven't gotten to the point of a shortened Christmas/New Year break yet. The bitchin' and moanin' has yet to arrive.

I think I've found the weekness of my wallet: books. I can beleige I actually spent over $70 for some books which I could have borrowed from the library. Then again, I guess it's all part of the grand plan to build myself a library consisting of books which I will probably never read again once I'm done with them. Hell! I don't think I would even be willing to spend that much on textbooks! Most of the textbooks that are required for my lessons are mostly photocopied. Hehs.

Today was no different from yesterday. Being bored out of my skull can drive me to do random stuff. So, I packed up all my library books and headed down to the library next to JP thinking that it was going to be empty. Turns out, the place was crawling with kids studying for their O levels. Hahaha! The urge to tell them that I didn't have to study for my O levels and am still where I am right now. But that could be detrimental to them so I eventually didn't hehs.

The sights and sounds that I got while at the library was somewhat rather interesting. I had an old lady walking pass me with a can- farting every step of the way. You remember those pesky squeaky shoes that you wore when you were younger just so that your parents know where you are? I guess it's the same for her: so that her maid knows where she is. (btw, if you had a lot of kids wearing those damn squeaky shoes, you can slip out from your parents sight and then do whatever you want. That's what I did. Let's hope my kids won't do that to me should I ever have any)

As if that wasn't enough, an old man was caught scratching his crotch as he stood next to me. Kinda makes me wonder why I attract such people. Hahaha! Anyway, he gave me THE STARE when I chanced upon his act of relieving himself. If I had a warrant card, he'd be giving me THE STARE behind bars. And no, it's not the kind that you can drinks from.

Anyway, being random has it's perks too! The Losers was simple awesome!!! I have came up with a theory: the lesser hype the movie recieves, the better it actually is! That's what happens fo Rocket Singh where I was the only "other" while the entire theatre was fillled with Indians. Hahaha!

Taking chances and making anew

2010-05-15T15:58:00.000+08:00

As I waste my Saturday away in front of my TV, I am left listless and at the same time clueless as to what to do. It seems that my days can be quite boring and my nights? Well, I tire out too fast :S. So what the hell right?

On the ride home from work, I had a couple of thoughts about knowledge. Remember that stupid kids show about knowing it all, yeah, I can hardly remember the name of the show but what I do remember is their tagline- "Knowledge is power!" I couldn't agree more. The lack of it could only mean the lack of power.

So, while sinking in the sea of boredomness, I shall share a teeny weeny bit about how to ride a bike. Bike as in motorbike not a bicycle(already, I can hear all the environmentalist going "Nooooooo!! Well, you are using your computer to reading this jackass! So that makes you a hypocritical environmentalist! Ha!).

Firstly, having the right type of bike is essential. If yours is in the under 200CC category, act like it. No point having a real nice design if it makes your bike unnecessarily heavy. It just makes it slow, unstable and idiotically expensive (all thanks to extra body parts. Should you washout, if it lands on you, it's going to hamper your recovery. Plus when you send it for repairs, the bulk of your money goes into fixing out the cosmetic damages despite it having no effect on the performance of your bike.

Secondly, having the right kind of tire affects the way you ride too. I can only recommend Battlax Bridgestone tires. That sonofabitch sticks to the road like glue. I can make corners at speeds in excess of 80km/h. At that speed, cornering really scares the shit out of you. I'm lucky I've never soiled my pants before. Having it at the right pressure helps too. Too deflated and your turns will be all floppy and unstable. Too inflated and your stability on a straight would be just as bad. So it's really a game of trial and error.

That said, the bike only makes up for less than 40% for its performance. The other 60-80% comes from the rider itself. The pillion only makes up for less than 1% of how the bike performs. It's about choosing the right line. Nothing should be done abruptly. Like drifting, its connecting a series of banking that helps you get out alive. But if you have a really big head, nothing is going to help.

A conversation with a new friend whom I've made at a bike shop truly enlightened me as to how I should ride and all. He taught me everything that I needed to know more. Getting my bike fixed up has never been so entertaining. Hehs.

Again, what seems like a good thing to write about has faltered halfway through. Damn..

SOMETIMES ITS THE SMALLEST DECISION THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER

2010-05-13T23:21:00.001+08:00

A bike ride a couple of nights ago got me to thinking: What should I do after I graduate? Frankly, I don't know. I want to be a solider but the local one doesn't seem too keen on hiring me. I guess it's all thanks to that teeny weeny black mark that I have in my records. Then again, if you can give criminals a second(sometimes, third or tenth) chance, I'm sure they are able to give me a second chance to prove to them what the best stuff are made of.

A meet-up with a couple of JC buddies got me to realize. Why DIDN'T I major in economics. I can sure as hell explain what it is all about. Writing about it is a different story altogether though hehs. I reasoned that I really wanted to study psychology. But since I didn't get that, sociology naturally as a second choice as they are kinda related. Well, I've already taken the leap. Now all I can do is to land a perfect 10 landing.

I was also thinking about what to do when I graduate. A couple of things that I have thought off.
1) Taking a Private Pilot License which would cost me no more than 30k. But first, I'd have to figure out a way to make that much money.
2) Take up skydiving. A full certification would cost me less than 4k.
3) Ride/Drive around the world. That would cost me an entire year and also at least 10k. Perhaps, I could get sponsorship and turn it into a TV show ( oh no!! not another one!! right?).

I have yet to think of number 4 onwards. Maybe, just maybe, I can accomplish everything? It's seemingly impossible but if i can squeeze 3 weeks worth of equipment and clothing into just 2 duffel bags, I'm sure that could be possible too. Yes, I am certainly aware of the difference in significance in terms of the analogy used. But I think you catch my drift.

First, I've got to find a way to at least triple what I earn on a part-time basis before I graduate. That ought to give me a cushiony head start.